There was nothing after and I can’t get it out of my mind.
About two years ago I had to undergo an emergency c-section with my second baby. I was on blood thinners, which caused me to hemorrhage, bleed out, and code.
The last thing I remember: I was on the table. I felt the coldness of the room. I looked over at my blood pressure monitor and it was 62/40. I looked up at the anesthesiologist. She had glasses and grey hair. She looked very serious, which made me panic. She held a mask over my mouth and nose and I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. I was panicking and crying saying “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe”. And then I felt the room go silent. I heard nothing around me. I tried to find a happy moment because for whatever reason, I knew “this was it”. There was a specific memory I tried to remember. It felt so vivid that I felt like I was back there again. It was when my first son was 7 months old and we were living at my mom’s house. Him and my cat were sleeping together on my bed right by a window. The room was dark and only dimly lit by the sunset. I loved this memory. I felt like I was back in that moment sitting there admiring my son.
And then nothing. Literally nothing. No bright light, no “out of body experience”, no seeing anybody or any thing. It’s almost as if I didn’t even go to sleep. It’s like it was a continuous moment of thinking of that memory to looking at the nurse charting in my hospital room (which was days later). I remember feeling like “woah wait I was just in the operating room, wtf is going on?”. It’s not even like there was a “everything went black” kind of moment. It was like an immediate time jump.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t find peace with it.