Just cried to Blonde at 2am
listened to blonde at 2am and ended up crying over something i’ve never really been able to put into words.
it made me realise i’m not even sad about one specific thing. it’s more this strange grief over time itself.
i feel like my teenage years just… happened. covid took a chunk of it, but even outside of that, i barely feel like i lived them. i had a few close friends but mostly just classmates. no first love, not even a real crush. no crazy memories, no heartbreak. mostly just tutoring, studying, struggling with sleep, and trying to get through each day.
there were periods where i genuinely felt half dead, like i wasn’t awake enough to participate in my own life. one line on blonde about wanting to sleep forever, but not die, hit me harder than i expected because that’s exactly what it felt like.
if someone asked me who i became during those years, i genuinely wouldn’t know what to say
it feels like there was barely any character development. barely any emotional timestamps and no clear chapter where something happened and i changed as a person.
and i think that’s what blonde captures so well. it doesn’t just make you nostalgic for good memories. it makes you mourn versions of yourself that never fully got to exist.
maybe that’s why it hurts so much. because you can make new friends, fall in love later, build a better life, but you can never be 16 again. you can never go back and live the years you only half experienced.
i don’t even know if this post makes sense. i just know that somehow frank ocean made me reconsider my entire life !