Needing help
This is going to be super long and personal and trigger warning I will mention an ED. If anyone reads all of it thank you for your time and if you have no advice I hope you feel less alone on how you feel since everyone is different and their etemophobia affects them differently.
To start off I threw up as a little girl non stop. I remember eating a pizza and a few hours later projectile vommiting. I remember swallowing so much vomit since I had really bad acid reflux it was just a normal day. In 3rd grade around the first week of december my mom brought home a stomach bug that day changed my life. I threw up in school a bunch and ever since that day I have been horrified of throw up. I do want to mention I have severe OCD which first started as just intrusive thoughts and repeatedly needing to do certain things otherwise my parents would die etc. Since that day in 3rd grade I have not thrown up and I am 24 now. I lived normally just that throwing up made me go into flight or fight and when I do I shake uncontrollably, breathe heavily, and just my whole body gets a shock throughout. Nothing major but fast forward to high school my grandma taught me all about these alcohol wipes and how gross everyone is. That day started my contamination OCD and at this point it’s nothing major just some classes I would wipe the desk or the computer but it will spiral. I played soccer and ran in intense heat and worked out heavily almost threw up a few times but kept going nothing getting me down at this point. I smoked weed a lot never threw up I almost did when I was laced but thats another story but long story short I only panicked for a bit about feeling like I was going to throw up there was much worse to worry about. I always was scared of my friends throwing up and everyone knew I didn’t like it but nothing major yet. So I’m a pretty normal person just a few quirks I still lived my life. In 2019 I dated this horrible person who abused me and fast forward to 2021 still dating this person my grandma died. My grandma was my world so that caused me to have peeing issues. No matter how often I went pee or didn’t have to pee the sensation was always there (this will become relevant). When I was home or somewhere I was comfortable I would pee like normal every 3-4 hours not biggie Dr’s couldn’t figure it out but kept living life. Broke up with this person the peeing problem still persisted moved on with life and met someone new 2022. In 2023 I started the police academy. I still had my peeing problem but I learned it was caused by anxiety and that was the moment I realized my anxiety was worse than I thought. I was in a school touching desk high school kids did. Almost threw up from intense heat/workouts and panicked a bit but always landed on my feet and brushed it off. I got broken up with during the academy and my mental health declined a bit but kept pushing I’ve wanted to be a cop my whole life. Then come the end of the academy I technically failed (long story) so just knowing I put so much of my life time and effort knowing I passed but some instructor didn’t like me so she didn’t pass me really got me. But im a fighter this is my dream fast forward a few months in 2024 since the academy was 9 months around june/july of 2024 I did the same workouts at bootcamp and I was way more fit than I was before but I felt so sick after practices that started to make me so scared but kept pushing again. Then in august 1 week into the academy I was driving to school and felt so sick but kept pushing because you can’t miss a day. I was sitting in class and I felt so hot and so sweaty and like I was going to vomit. Full panic mode the commanders wife touched my head and it was burning hot so I went home. Thought long and hard decided the academy can wait I need to work on my mental health maybe im just down from failing the first time. Forgot to mention my uncle who is a horrible person moved in with us around july and thats when my sick after every single bootcamp day happened. But after that day I quit my job and I could not leave the house. I could not sleep, could not eat, couldn’t do anything I was so anxious I went 4 weeks with just eating maybe 1 piece of toast every few days. I could not go down the street without feeling so sick and anxious. I realized I had agoraphobia and needed to fix myself. I got a job around november was it hard yes but I did it and even got a second job. Then one day at the second job I felt so sick and panicked so hard I had to go home then after that day straight to agoraphobia again. Fast forward to march 2025 still no job but progressing little by little. My mom got norovirus and that was it. I stopped eating didn’t leave my room. My mom mentioned how skinny I was. I didn’t shower for a month (my uncle used my bathroom and he is disgusting so I used my mom bathroom). My contamination OCD is at its worst to this day I still wont touch anything in my house without a napkin but I picked up bad habits that are lasting today. I still have “safe” clothes that only touch my room. If I go downstairs I wear different clothes. I shower every single day but I shower extra hard on days I am in public with antibacterial soap and exfoliate very hard. I barely eat and I have to have food I deem safe. I have always been bad at eating and just never had a bug appetite of course it changes with my depression or period but most the time I can’t eat too much. I don’t go out to eat. I have my left hand as my “safe” hand and my right touched everything my left touches my phone. I wash my hands non stop. The list can go on with little quirks but norovirus made my contamination OCD the worst. Fast forward to may 2025 my uncle moves out I get a few jobs here and there I go out sometimes life is okay. Then we go to now I have been going out almost everyday to the bar with my friends (I don’t drink I’m scared it will make me throw up) I drive 40 mins to get my hair done (I still struggle horrendously with agoraphobia and if I made a list of what I’m scared of this post will be 3 years long). Long story short I’m no where near where I used to be but I’ve kept a job for 2 months now. Getting better going out until last night. Last night I went to the bar with my friend I have been sick with a viral illness for a week so my throat was off and full of mucus plus my stomach wasn’t doing the best and haven’t ate much. So I arrive at the bar 21 mins from my house and as soon as I stepped out of the car bam instant weird gross feeling in my stomach. It was a heatwave so I just thought oh maybe it’s because I’m not really hungry and haven’t ate much today/didn’t drink today. But the top of my stomach felt all the sudden so butterfly like and so airy and light I burped a few times. Whatever we get into the bar it’s nothing I’m having anxiety. As soon as we step in I’m still trying to calm myself down talking to my friend but then we see a bartender we didn’t recognize so straight to the car I go to get my ID. Right as I was about to hit my car still feeling butterfly like but also pressure in my stomach I burp. And when I burp warm liquid comes up a little in my throat instant panic attack like never before I ran to my car drove home asap couldn’t calm down absolute horror. My mom and aunt said they get that way with acid reflux but I’ve had acid reflux my entire life horrible in fact and when stuff comes up it’s more stingy feeling and doesn’t come up with a burp. It took me hours to calm down I just ditched my friend and yes I am worried too what if all my progress of getting out of the house and facing my fears is ruined but no way this will happen again right. Now today I was fine even let my dad drive me like a total of 6 mins which is big I haven’t let anyone drive me in 2 years since I’ve gone downhill. Until around 7 me and my mom wanted to go to fireworks but its 32 mins away and I was the normal for me anxious with agoraphobia whatever I can do this. We get in the car that pressure feeling happened again and I was getting so scared my mom told me stop being a baby okay fine. We pull into the gas station 2 mins from my house and I do the burp and warm liquid comes up and full panic again and I turned around and went home. I pissed my mom off so much she won’t talk to me. Im so scared this will now be me anytime I go anywhere and this new symptom is not my favorite. Long story short I just want my life back I can’t do this anymore Ive lost all hope I will ever be okay especially wi to this new burping up warm liquid. Thank you for any advice and truly thank you so much if you read this all I do not open up to anyone so this is a big step!