I just don't know how to process it even now
When I was around 8 (I don't remember it correctly) my family and I went to a kid's park called KidZania, it's in México city. If you don't know, it's a park where kids can play some works, like Firefighter, police, and so on.
But there was a time, I don't know if it's still there, when there was a labyrinth of a famous chocolate called "Carlos V" (I don't know the name in English) .
My brother had already gone in and still hadn't come out. When I got in line, a teenager started talking to me; I think he said he was about 16 years old and I don't remember his name (The memories remain blurry), so he asked me if I had a phone with me, and I told not to, and he said it was bad because it was too dark inside... I got and ask my mom for her phone, and obviously she didn't let me get im with it.
The worker then let some children through, including him and me, and then made groups according to age and height. She put me with a kid who was really fast, so I just lost the track of him around the labyrinth.
I should note that the labyrinth was very small; I, being a child, had to crawl to get through, it was very narrow.
Then, since I was alone, the teenager happened to find me and said he was going to show me the way out, but first he wanted to play a prank on his friend. There were cameras and lights in certain areas. Then he told me to go in through a very dark area, and he also emphasized that the camera wouldn't see us from there; he clearly knew the blind spots.
But at that time I was terrified of the dark, and I refused, so we stayed in a corner right in front of the dark hallway, "waiting for his friend"
And out of nowhere he told me to see what I had under my dress. At that time I was wearing a floral strapless dress and short underneath. Then he put his hand inside and stroked my shorts, then my underwear, and told me there was an animal down there, and that he had to take it off. I just don't remember if I say something to him, all I remember is his act. He put on me one finger inside my vagina, and start stroking while he said he could reach the insect. After some time, I don't remember how long, he put his hand away and fix my underwear, my shorts and then my dress. And then he told me to ask my mother to search for the animal when we were out.
I only remember when I came out and my brother was already waiting for me outside. He asked if everything was okay and I said yes. He thanked the teenager and we left with my parents.
I never say anything about what happened, I just remember that since that day, I started to get dissociative.
And the atmosphere in my home never inspired trust, not even now.
I remember that when I was little, my dad would accidentally "kiss" me on the mouth and tell me not to tell my mom. He always had me on his lap and hugged me, I felt a lump in my buttocks, but I never paid any attention to it. Until my grandmother noticed, and instead of scolding him, she scolded me for letting it happen. I was just a kid, I didn't know. And I also remembers a time when I started wearing a bra, when he made a comment that disgusted me. I was trying on the bra with my mom when my dad said from the living room, "Let's see my model with her bra."
So you can imagine than in my house there was a potential abuser too. My mother didn't exactly protected me from him, just like my grandmother, she only told me not to let it happen, never told him to stop it.
Then I started to be afraid of adults and teenagers, also all of men. I never went near them, not even at school. In high school, I only hung out with girls.
But now that I've noticed that my father does the same he did to me with my sister, I've starting hating him more, I always put my sister away, but she doesn't help either, she's stubborn and obviously a kid who doesn't know yet that it is bad. In addition to having a cognitive delay of a few years, she is 11 years old but acts like a 4-5 year old, and she cannot read or write.
now I've turn 18 and I've developed an addiction to masturbation. I feel like shit every time I do it and finish, but I just can't. I'm seriously thinking about ending it all. I have no friends, I have no family to support me. I just don't know what to do. I don't have the resources to leave my house, I don't have the money to sue, and even if I do I don't have proof of what he has been doing, I don't have enough education to work. I'm becoming more and more dissociative; I don't remember what I did or how I got to certain places. I always try to act normal, and when I start doing homework, my head feels heavy and I feel stupid. I also think my father did abuse of me, but I just don't remember it.