I want to walk.

Back on December 25, 2025, I got into an accident. As a result, I suffered a shattered left femur, which was fixed with an IM rod. My right leg, however, was damaged beyond repair. The knee was dislocated and crushed, and my foot was mangled. They told us there was no point in trying to save anything below the knee because of the fractured tibial condyles, popliteal artery damage, loss of the patellar tendon, fractured patella, damaged ligaments and meniscus, and destroyed skin and muscle around my shin and knee.

But my dad couldn't bring himself to agree to an amputation. He asked them to please try limb salvage.

They amputated the forefoot, put on an external fixator, and performed skin grafts. After four months, I started physiotherapy to try to regain some range of motion. I also had an infection in my ankle at one point.

Now, after eight months, I went to a reputed hospital that specializes in complex reconstructions. They told me that the case is so complex that they could throw all their medical degrees at the problem and still wouldn't be able to make me walk normally.

Their initial plan was to convert the Chopart amputation into a BKA and perform a knee reconstruction. But after doing an MRI, they said that trying to reconstruct the knee would be wishful thinking. They told me I'd have a better quality of life with either an AKA or a knee disarticulation, since the Chopart isn't functional enough anyway, and a BKA with a poor biological knee wouldn't make much sense.

I agree. I want to walk. Normally. With a normal gait. Without a limp. Without pain. After almost a year of this, I just want to be able to walk again.

But I can't help thinking about how much I'll miss having this leg. I've had it for 24 years, and now this.

I keep thinking about how active I was before all of this. I used to spend two hours at the gym every day because I was on a weight-loss journey. I lost 25 kg in six months, built muscle, hit 10,000 steps every day, and went swimming every day as well. I was doing well. I hit my protein goals, rode a beautiful bike, and was lowkey proud of myself.

And all of these negative feelings are made worse by the fact that I blame myself for being in this situation. I was riding at 150 km/h and hit a roundabout. It was my fault.

I really don't know how my life can get better anymore. I don't know if I'll enjoy doing the things I used to do or the things I had hoped to do. I don't know if I'll even be able to do them.

So I guess I want to ask this of whoever has made it to the end of this post...

How do I cope?

How do I feel happy again, especially when I blame myself for all of this?

Does this ever become normal?

Can I still be physically active and live a somewhat happy life?

Can my gait ever become natural or seamless enough that a passerby won't look twice?

I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I think I just need to hear from people who have been through something similar and found a way to build a life they genuinely enjoy again.