Meaning of "Gap qaytarma" in Uzbek parenting?
The title is pretty self-explanatory. I just don't understand why parents say this so often.
"Gap qaytarma" seems to be the universal response that almost every Uzbek parent uses. It can turn a normal conversation, explanation, innocent question, or harmless clarification into a fight. And after that, you can't say anything. You're just stuck. It's basically checkmate.
I understand that there are valid situations where a parent might tell their child not to talk back. But I feel like lately, it has turned into a cliché that gets used way too often and lost its true purpose.
My parents are obsessed with this phrase. It feels like they don't actually want to hear me and just want to yell without any interruptions. Even when I'm simply answering their question or giving my opinion, they hit me with "Gap qaytarma." It makes me feel like my opinion is worthless in this house.
I just don't get it. What is that supposed to mean? You asked me a question, I answered. You said something, and I gave my opinion. I wasn't trying to disrespect you. Disrespect wouldn't even cross my mind.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Today, both of my parents came home angry. I don't know what happened, but they were clearly upset about something unrelated to our family or home, probably work or something else. As soon as they came home, they started yelling at my younger brother, who was just sitting at his laptop.
My brother was completely confused. He didn't even know why they were yelling at him. They were saying things like, "You're a failure. All you care about is your laptop," and so on. Then my mom angrily took his laptop away.
My brother, still confused, softly asked, "Why are you taking my laptop?"
And then came the phrase:
"Gap qaytarma. Gap qaytarma dedim, iplos."
He just froze. He still didn't know what he had done wrong. He had asked a completely normal question.
I was hearing all of this from my room while trying to sleep, and it honestly made me furious.
While my father was yelling at my brother, my mom kept saying things like, "I'm a slave in this house. You only know how to eat, drink, and poop. You don't know how to help the family. It would have been better if you were tending cows instead."
Something similar happened about three years ago, except that time my mom ended up throwing my brother's laptop out of the window, breaking both the window and the laptop.
I wouldn't be defending him if he were actually a "loser" or spent 24/7 gaming. But he's going to become a software engineer, and of course he needs his laptop. Most of his schoolwork and studying is done on it. Yes, he plays video games sometimes, but it's not like he's doing anything unhealthy or spending his entire life gaming.
I just feel sorry for him. Why does this always seem to happen to him?
Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. I genuinely want to make their lives better once I grow up and start making money myself. But when things like this keep happening, I'm slowly losing the motivation to do that.
I'm starting to want more and more to move away from my parents when I grow up.
There's another thing that bothers me. Sometimes it feels like they only care about money.
For example, whenever I go to an olympiad or competition outside my region, or go to Tashkent, when I come back, the first thing they ask is, "How much money do you have left?"
No "Welcome home."
No "How was it?"
No "Did you have fun?"
Just: "How much money is left?"
I would gladly give them whatever money I have left if they just asked me about how my trip went first. I don't want their money. I want their love and appreciation.
I understand that our family isn't in the best financial situation, and I understand why money is important to them. But I also wish they understood something:
If my brother and I weren't academically successful, my parents would probably be in a much worse financial situation. I'm being DEAD SERIOUS. We both study at a really good school that has a dormitory. We only come home once a week, so we spend a large portion (around 60%) of the year at school. The dormitory, food, clothes, and education are all for free. Everything is provided by school. My parents don't have to spend much money on us because we're at school most of the time. Even the laptops my brother and I use were won through competitions, so my parents didn't have to spend $500–$600 on each of them. I also won a really expensive course that costs thousands of dollars for free.
Basically, because of our academic achievements, my parents have avoided a lot of expenses that they otherwise would have had to pay.
And yet, sometimes it feels like the only thing they care about is money.
I don't think it's unreasonable to want them to appreciate us and show us some love too, right?
I love my parents, but I'm honestly afraid that if this continues, that love will eventually fade.
And I think a lot of people probably feel something similar. Obviously, not everyone has the exact same story, and maybe this is just something unique to my family.
I just want to hear your opinions. Do other Uzbek families have this "Gap qaytarma" thing too? And do you think parents sometimes use it simply to shut down their children's opinions instead of actually addressing what they're saying?