u/RagtimeDesigner

It is a bit hard for me to truly express clearly my feelings and my thoughts as this is the first time that I have spoken them, or in this case, typed it out.

I am 30 years old, and i am Mexican-born US citizen, who has ADHD. (I add this to give you an idea of who I am). Growing up I was never really a creative person. My parents did not go to school, my mom works as a seamstress, and my dad a lot porter. I am quite proud of my parents for working hard to give me the opportunity to go to college. I got my act together in Middle school and my main focus was always to do great in school. During High school I took 2 Electives that Resonated with me- Auto shop class, and architecture class, and I really enjoyed them, but looking back, I liked them because they were pretty laid back classes. When it came to applying for colleges, I thought I was gonna go to school to become an automotive technician, I applied and when it came time to fully commit- I backed out. I realized something crucial- I DONT EVEN LIKE CARS. Fast forward 3 years that I worked full-time at a shoe store, and I made the decision to go back to college. I picked architecture because I had done it in the past, and I really liked Ted Mosby. Looking back as I write this, I am realizing that I picked only from what I knew and followed the path that I was told to follow as I didn't know better, nor did I question anything.

I graduated from California college of the Arts in San Francisco in 2023. I obtain my bachelors in Architecture (duh) and I completed 2 summer internships, one at a residential Architecture firm where I used mainly AutoCAD, and my other Internship was for a design firm that shifted their goals to assist a town that burnt down in 2020. This role was perhaps the only role I truly enjoyed- I was a team of 1 designing and building prototypes for an exhibition. Overall, the experience I obtained from these two internships in theory put me ahead of many in the field. I state this because most of my friends in CCA as well as some of my San Diego friends completed at best 1, some not even being able to get an internship. I truly feel like I did my best in college. I received awards for a few projects, and I never felt like I slacked off. College was truly a fun experience for me.

And yet, I feel even more lost than before I went to college. in fact, I haven really said it aloud, but I regret my decision. I am still quite proud of my accomplishment that was getting through college, and I have been told by peers and friends that I really am good at what I do, however if I may be quite honest- I have no idea how to validate myself nor have I ever believed myself as a good designer (Perhaps Impostor syndrome?)

as soon as I graduated, a few things happened that got me where I am at:

1. I began looking for a full time job applying places but most rejected me for "Lack of experience", so I ended up obtaining a job for an afterschool program as a teacher (more to come about this field).
   1. I should mention that final semester of college, while I was focused on wrapping up my Gen-ed courses, I took a job as a STEAM instructor, hence how I got into education.
2. My Fiancée (GF at the time) and I decided to move to San Diego, CA as soon as I graduated, since I was raised there, and figured we would love it there (we didn't). The job market in San Diego feels quite unbalanced in my opinion. everywhere I applied, they wanted 3-4+ years of experience. The only Job I could obtain was as a Kitchen Designer for The Home Depot. Then they let me go for bureaucratic crap (not relevant nor do I care to get into it). This lead me to go back to education while i found a job. Fiancee also struggled finding a stable job.
3. FINALLY, after some time, I landed a job in design! In 2025, I began working for a small local Millwork and cabinetry shop, as a drafter. there was only 3 designers in this office- The Co-owners of this business and me. and TLDR, it was not a great and fun experience. Don't get me wrong, I learned so much, and I am grateful to that company for mentoring me and giving me a chance. HOWEVER, this job was also one, if not the most stressful job I've had. I worked for them for a year and I only dealt with 2 clients, Father and son, who are amazing people and very interesting as individuals, who were also architects, and quite notorious too in San Diego.
   1. The issues were that there was no structure. From my first day to my last day, I was left alone to figure things out. I had to learn as I went, but also I was in charge of quite a big project, working for a client who changed design ideas too frequently and my bosses went along with their demands because they were paying our bills basically. I truly hated working there at one time. Overall this office was quite toxic, with a boss from hell, and coworkers who were stuck in their ways. I feel like it left a sour taste in my mouth for Design.
4. Fiancée's father unfortunately passed away in October, and having had a terrible experience in san Diego, We decided to move back into the bay. now I have been here for about 6 months, and the first job I obtained was as an Interior Designers position at Living Spaces. I quit after a few months because I ended really being a sales associate, and did no designing whatsoever.

Now, I am in the process of getting a job as a campus safety Specialist for an elementary school. I am slowly shifting careers, because as much as I want to continue searching, I need to pay my student loans. I'm tired of switching jobs, it doesn't look good on my resume. I am just about ready to give up on being a designer, at least career-wise. I don't think I really enjoyed it, looking back I think it was the people that made me feel like I did like Design, after all some of my best friends i met in college, including my Fiancée, so I don't want to state that I regret my decision, after all I don't.

A part of me is heartbroken about all of this, but I don't want to continue trying as it has taken a toll on my mental health and finances, but a part of me feels like if i keep on pushing, ill break through eventually.

i guess there's no real point to this post, other than me writing it and putting out into the world so i no longer bottle it up, but If this post made sense to you and you were/are on the same path, I would love to hear your thoughts. oh and also I truly appreciate you taking the time to read all of that.

It is a bit hard for me to truly express clearly my feelings and my thoughts as this is the first time that I have spoken them, or in this case, typed it out.

I am 30 years old, and i am Mexican-born US citizen, who has ADHD. (I add this to give you an idea of who I am). Growing up I was never really a creative person. My parents did not go to school, my mom works as a seamstress, and my dad a lot porter. I am quite proud of my parents for working hard to give me the opportunity to go to college. I got my act together in Middle school and my main focus was always to do great in school. During High school I took 2 Electives that Resonated with me- Auto shop class, and architecture class, and I really enjoyed them, but looking back, I liked them because they were pretty laid back classes. When it came to applying for colleges, I thought I was gonna go to school to become an automotive technician, I applied and when it came time to fully commit- I backed out. I realized something crucial- I DONT EVEN LIKE CARS. Fast forward 3 years that I worked full-time at a shoe store, and I made the decision to go back to college. I picked architecture because I had done it in the past, and I really liked Ted Mosby. Looking back as I write this, I am realizing that I picked only from what I knew and followed the path that I was told to follow as I didn't know better, nor did I question anything.

I graduated from California college of the Arts in San Francisco in 2023. I obtain my bachelors in Architecture (duh) and I completed 2 summer internships, one at a residential Architecture firm where I used mainly AutoCAD, and my other Internship was for a design firm that shifted their goals to assist a town that burnt down in 2020. This role was perhaps the only role I truly enjoyed- I was a team of 1 designing and building prototypes for an exhibition. Overall, the experience I obtained from these two internships in theory put me ahead of many in the field. I state this because most of my friends in CCA as well as some of my San Diego friends completed at best 1, some not even being able to get an internship. I truly feel like I did my best in college. I received awards for a few projects, and I never felt like I slacked off. College was truly a fun experience for me.

And yet, I feel even more lost than before I went to college. in fact, I haven really said it aloud, but I regret my decision. I am still quite proud of my accomplishment that was getting through college, and I have been told by peers and friends that I really am good at what I do, however if I may be quite honest- I have no idea how to validate myself nor have I ever believed myself as a good designer (Perhaps Impostor syndrome?)

as soon as I graduated, a few things happened that got me where I am at:

1. I began looking for a full time job applying places but most rejected me for "Lack of experience", so I ended up obtaining a job for an afterschool program as a teacher (more to come about this field).
   1. I should mention that final semester of college, while I was focused on wrapping up my Gen-ed courses, I took a job as a STEAM instructor, hence how I got into education.
2. My Fiancée (GF at the time) and I decided to move to San Diego, CA as soon as I graduated, since I was raised there, and figured we would love it there (we didn't). The job market in San Diego feels quite unbalanced in my opinion. everywhere I applied, they wanted 3-4+ years of experience. The only Job I could obtain was as a Kitchen Designer for The Home Depot. Then they let me go for bureaucratic crap (not relevant nor do I care to get into it). This lead me to go back to education while i found a job. Fiancee also struggled finding a stable job.
3. FINALLY, after some time, I landed a job in design! In 2025, I began working for a small local Millwork and cabinetry shop, as a drafter. there was only 3 designers in this office- The Co-owners of this business and me. and TLDR, it was not a great and fun experience. Don't get me wrong, I learned so much, and I am grateful to that company for mentoring me and giving me a chance. HOWEVER, this job was also one, if not the most stressful job I've had. I worked for them for a year and I only dealt with 2 clients, Father and son, who are amazing people and very interesting as individuals, who were also architects, and quite notorious too in San Diego.
   1. The issues were that there was no structure. From my first day to my last day, I was left alone to figure things out. I had to learn as I went, but also I was in charge of quite a big project, working for a client who changed design ideas too frequently and my bosses went along with their demands because they were paying our bills basically. I truly hated working there at one time. Overall this office was quite toxic, with a boss from hell, and coworkers who were stuck in their ways. I feel like it left a sour taste in my mouth for Design.
4. Fiancée's father unfortunately passed away in October, and having had a terrible experience in san Diego, We decided to move back into the bay. now I have been here for about 6 months, and the first job I obtained was as an Interior Designers position at Living Spaces. I quit after a few months because I ended really being a sales associate, and did no designing whatsoever.

Now, I am in the process of getting a job as a campus safety Specialist for an elementary school. I am slowly shifting careers, because as much as I want to continue searching, I need to pay my student loans. I'm tired of switching jobs, it doesn't look good on my resume. I am just about ready to give up on being a designer, at least career-wise. I don't think I really enjoyed it, looking back I think it was the people that made me feel like I did like Design, after all some of my best friends i met in college, including my Fiancée, so I don't want to state that I regret my decision, after all I don't.

A part of me is heartbroken about all of this, but I don't want to continue trying as it has taken a toll on my mental health and finances, but a part of me feels like if i keep on pushing, ill break through eventually.

i guess there's no real point to this post, other than me writing it and putting out into the world so i no longer bottle it up, but If this post made sense to you and you were/are on the same path, I would love to hear your thoughts. oh and also I truly appreciate you taking the time to read all of that.