Being the Only Child in a Broken Family Hurts More Than People Think
All my childhood, I saw you as a wonderful woman. I wanted to grow up and become just like you.
But my perspective started to change when I caught you and Greg flirting through text messages. I was just a curious kid back then, so when your phone got a notification, I opened it and saw everything.
The thoughtful and caring mom I knew slowly changed because of that. I don’t know what he did to you for things to become like this.
You apologized every time we fought about it, but you still continued letting him into our lives like nothing happened. I already told you that I didn’t want him around anymore, but you still let him come to the house. It made me feel like my feelings were never valid.
Before, your conversations were on Messenger. Then it became iMessage, with messages being unsent all the time. It made me feel like you were still hiding something. I know snooping into private things is wrong, but I still remember when you told me that you loved him and that cheating was just “temptation.”
No, it wasn’t just temptation. It was a choice.
Did you ever think about the people who loved you? About how they would feel? If you truly loved someone, you wouldn’t do that to them. Not just to your partner, but also to your child. In movies and series where one parent cheats, the children usually hate the new person because they don’t want to lose the love their parents built together. I understand that now.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to forget and forgive. Maybe because I still see his face almost every day whenever he comes here to eat. Doesn’t he have food at home? Is it really that easy for him to act like nothing happened?
And honestly, ang kapal ng mukha niya. My parents helped his son finish college, yet he still cheated with his friend’s wife — someone who helped him so much. My dad bought him clothes, gave him money whenever he needed it, and treated him well. Then he repays him by cheating with his wife?
What about his own wife working abroad? What about his children? And from what I heard, marami pa siyang ibang kausap before, and he was even proud of it. What is wrong with him?
Then he talks about how hard his childhood was, but now he’s causing pain to other children because of his actions.
But I also know it wasn’t easy for you, Mommy. Dad cheated on you during the pandemic too, and he even had a child with someone else.
But does that mean you should do the same thing?
I’m your only child already, yet sometimes I still feel unsupported emotionally. Then you still talk about wanting another child. Maybe there’s a reason why I’m an only child. Raising a child is hard, I know, but please don’t make life harder for me too.
Sometimes I look at my cousins and feel jealous because they seem genuinely happy. Their parents guide them, teach them things, and make them feel supported. Meanwhile, I feel like I grew up carrying resentment instead.
What hurts more is that all of this happened during my teenage years — the years that are also important in shaping a person. Everything a child never wants to experience happened during that time.
Whenever I try explaining my side, I get called disrespectful, rude, or ungrateful. But do you respect me too? Respect goes both ways, no matter who you are.
You even compare how polite I am to other people and ask why I can’t act that way toward you. Maybe it’s because they treat me kindly. They never called me worthless.
All my life, I tried so hard to please you, but eventually I stopped because it felt like no one really cared about how I felt.
You’re a guidance counselor. You help other children, even those struggling mentally. You give advice to everyone else. But what about your own child? Sometimes it feels like things only got worse for me.
I know both you and Dad did a lot for me financially, and I’ll always be grateful for that. But emotionally, I feel so lost and exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy thinking maybe I’m really the bad person here, especially when no one understands my side no matter how much I explain myself.
Even though I’ve had thoughts of wanting to disappear, I still have dreams. I still dream of taking you abroad someday, Mommy. Because despite everything, I still feel sad whenever you cry. I wanted us to be on the same side, but it always felt like you kept choosing him over me. I would’ve understood your feelings if only you talked to me honestly.
I’ve been called selfish and many other hurtful things, even though I spent most of my life being a people pleaser.
Even on Dad’s side, I sometimes feel invisible. Maybe it’s also my fault because I don’t know how to open up properly.
Still, I pray for all of our family, especially you, Mom. I really do love you, even if I struggle to show it sometimes. I’m still grateful to both you and Dad.
I’m also grateful to my friends who gave me kindness and happiness even when I was difficult sometimes.
And to my lolo and lola who took care of me the most when I was younger.
Maybe that’s why I get attached to other people easily — because I never really experienced that kind of emotional love at home. Maybe that’s also why I seek attention sometimes. Deep inside, I just wanted to feel loved.
I never wanted any of this.
And I can’t fully open up to other people because I feel like they won’t understand either. I don’t even have siblings to lean on, and my cousins already have their own problems. Sometimes it feels pointless to open up because no matter what I say, I’ll still end up being seen as the bad person.
I don’t know what really matters anymore.