No battery? No problem
Long story short, I threw the phone into a wall (it even left a dent), and after countless bootloops and failing to even show anything at times, I figured out that the battery's BMS circuit board was fried from the impact. I then tried a bunch of different solutions of trying to power the phone, I eventually decided to take the risk and remove the BMS from the forbidden pillow (I will dispose of it properly, don't worry).
After removing the BMS, I tested it, the ground was fried, so I effectively soldered two wires, one to the remaining positive (aluminum, meaning I had to put it under flux and solder that way), and then find a raw ground, scrape off the protective plastic and solder my ground there, I then built a ridiculous breadboard to use as a power supply for the thing, and connected the two terminals I made to it. Sure enough, I managed to boot my phone back up!
Yes, I ordered a proper replacement battery, just that it will take like 2 weeks to arrive.
Edit: yes, the date on the phone is incorrect. That's because the battery was removed and the phone effectively got amnesia and currently has no idea what time it is