How to help PDA spouse deal with our child's bedtime
I strongly suspect that my husband is dealing with PDA. We have a five year old daughter who is autistic and is about to start kindergarten. Mornings are very difficult with her when she gets inadequate sleep, and soon she will be needing to consistently get up much earlier than she has been. I've been slowly waking her up earlier each morning, but I think my husband views putting her to bed as a demand, and actively resists it and tries to delay it.
His part of her bedtime routine takes less than five minutes. He carries her to bed, sings her a short song, and tucks her in. That's about the only quality time he consistently spends with her and has been part of her routine for her entire life.
Sometimes I will announce to her that it's bedtime, other times, she will actually say she's tired and ask to go to bed. He will then become irritated and say he's not ready yet. He will do things like go outside and have a cigarette for half an hour, start watching a video on YouTube and insist that we wait until it's done, or initiate a phone call with a friend or family member that will go on and on. If I press the issue, he will become angry and start yelling. He will say hurtful things and tell me that I don't love my daughter and I want to get rid of her because I want her to go to bed, etc. Obviously, this upsets our daughter before she is supposed to go to sleep.
Things I've tried so far:
Not verbally announcing bedtime, but slowly start dimming lights, setting my daughter's pajamas out, etc. This doesn't help anything.
Speaking to him calmly at other times (like weekend mornings) about how getting enough sleep is important for daughter when she starts school and how she needs to start going to bed earlier. He will usually agree with me at the time we have the conversation, but nothing will change come bedtime.
Any help would be very appreciated.