Hallo
Also mein Hauptziel ist einfach nur Selbstverteidigung und das beschützen von Familie/Freunden.
Ich kenn mich nunmal so überhaupt gar nicht im Kampfsportbereich. Ist es für mein Ziel egal welche Kampfsportart ich anfange oder sollten es bestimmte sein?
Ich bin 34 Jahre alt, 188cm groß und wiege 76kg
Edit: Danke für eure zahlreichen Beiträge
I (34M) got some unresolved trauma from childhood. Our mother raised us alone and always tried her best but she also got traumatized by the violent nature of our family so her best was not quite enough if that makes sense.
My mother had fights on a regular basis with my brother one day it was so loud I thought my brother is hurting my mom so I took a large knife and threatened him with it from afar. I remember I was scared for her life, the knife wasnt used by anyone (never intended to use it and iam glad my brother also didnt). I remember throwing the knife far away before he reached me.. i think I was around 10 years old, probably younger, I dont remember.
Then when I was 16 years old a "friend" of mine nearly killed both of us because he started the car and drove drunk. I told him "lets have a nap" but he had some mental episode where he kept saying "I need to go home, I need to go home..". Next day he couldnt remember a single thing.
So, I figured those two things are the main reason I've been avoiding going out and living my life - because I lost my trust in life.
I dont have friends right now and recently stopped filling my void with playing computer games but I dont know what to do with my time. I've been lifting weights and doing some resistance training for about 2 months now but I need another hobby and I need friends but past 30 its hard to make friends. Ive always had trouble making friends because I really want deep connections, not shallow ones.
This leads me to my final break which happened this morning. I have been talking to this young girl for a month and she is so empathic and nice which makes me and other men drawn towards her. I need to mention this is a coworker and we are working in different buildings.
She had surgery 2 weeks ago and got her results yesterday. I went to her desk this morning because I wanted to know about the results but I got a little bit of a cold shoulder because she was talking to someone on Teams, just waved at me but never took her headphones off for a second. Since this is at work and ive only known her for a month - not a big deal but it made me realize i like her more than I should at this point? I cant stop thinking about her, I fall in love too fast because I didnt have a relationship in a long time and as soon as i see those nice qualities in a girl i make scenarios in my head and fall in love way too fast.
Today was my breaking point and I feel so devastated. I have to be on my moms birthday party on Saturday but iam probably just going to call sick which is extremly rare. I somehow dont want to deal with my family at all in this state of mind.
Why do I keep being there for other people but never someone is there for me?
Thank you for listening