"My Boyfriend Might be Kenshi Yonezu"
Two days ago, I saw a thread titled “My Boyfriend Might Be Kenshi Yonezu” in Japanese. I tried reading it with the help of Grok’s AI translation, and it turned out to be this bizarre “horror” short story about someone transforming into Kenshi Yonezu and gaining the abilities of every version of Kenshi Yonezu(s).
The funniest part is that the thread started with a warning telling Kenshi Yonezu fans and even Kenshi Yonezu himself not to read it (probably because of how weird it was). But two days later, it actually reached Kenshi Yonezu himself. He read it with absolutely no reaction whatsoever… he just said he read it, lol.
It has a lot of references, and it’s even better if you read it in the original Japanese. But it’s still fine in translation too, especially if you already know the translated lyrics of most of his songs.
So, here it is (I'm using Grok to translate it, but I fix few parts):
*Note: If there’s a YouTube link in the story, I’m not the one who added it. The author put it there themself XD.
My Boyfriend Might be Kenshi Yonezu
This novel is extremely likely to offend the following people, so I strongly recommend you do not read it if you are:
- Kenshi Yonezu fans ※
- Kenshi Yonezu himself ※
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My boyfriend might be Kenshi Yonezu.
His name is Ken’ichi Yonezuka, in short “Ken-chan.”
I noticed something off while we were chatting and drinking at a bar. His face was so familiar, but at some point a large mole had appeared under his right eye.
“Huh? Ken-chan, is that…”
Just as I was about to ask about the mole, his phone rang.
Normally he would ignore calls and prioritize time with me. But this time, after one glance at the screen, his face stiffened. “Sorry, just a sec,” he said and stood up.
I caught a glimpse of the name on the screen.
“Hayao.”
Not a woman’s name, but… Hayao…?
“This is Yonezuka speaking. Ahh, Miya-san. Yes, yes, I’m fine. Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Well, I bought a globe, but it’s still a bit short, you know? Yeah, yeah…”
It’s rude to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help listening. Miya-san…?
Miya… Hayao…?
“Sorry,” he said when he came back.
“It’s fine. Is it from work?”
“Yeah. Man, it’s really tough.”
“You were doing composing work?” I asked, half-jokingly.
Just in case.
“Huh? Composing?”
He looked genuinely puzzled, eyes wide. He really seemed to have no idea. Maybe it was just my imagination.
“Anyway, you’re staying over at my place tonight, right?”
“Yeah.”
That was such a Ken-chan way to invite me. Of course, that was my plan too.
※
“It feels like we’re the only two people in the world, doesn’t it?”
“Hehe, what’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing. I just had a little dream, that’s all.”
His typical romantic words floated through the dimly lit room.
After several kisses, we touched skin to skin, and soon he entered me.
Amid heavy breathing, he kept whispering sweet nothings:
“You’re so cute when you look up like that.”
“Is this your weak spot?”
“It’s your fault for being born in this world.”
……Huh?
Something’s weird, right?
Weird? No — this is straight-up Kenshi Yonezu, isn’t it?
Isn’t this too Kenshi Yonezu?
My mood was starting to sour, but he gradually became so excited he couldn’t even speak properly anymore.
“Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh—”
His moans. But what is this feeling…? No, this déjà vu… more like déjà écouté (already heard)…
“Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ehehe”
Ehehe?
What the hell is “Ehehe”?
Why is he… laughing right now…?
Oh.
“Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh—”
This is the IRIS OUT intro, isn’t it?!
“Ken-chan! Wait, stop for a second!”
I desperately pushed him off.
While he was shocked at the sudden interruption, I asked anyway:
“Ken-chan… something’s off, right?”
“What do you mean ‘off’?”
“It feels like… you’re someone else…”
“Someone else…? I’m me. I’m Ken’ichi Yonezuka, the one who loves you, Kana.”
“…Yeah.”
“Baby baby bi I love you~”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
There was no doubt.
He was trying to become Kenshi Yonezu.
He clutched his head in pain and began writhing on the bed. He was fighting against it.
“Guaah! What the…!? From inside my brain… my morality is…!”
“Don’t lose, Ken-chan!”
If this continued, he would be completely swallowed by Kenshi Yonezu.
Even as I watched, his hairstyle was curling more and more.
“Kana… run!”
“But what about you, Ken-chan!?”
“Don’t worry about me… Just run as far as you can, Rainy!”
Pushed by his desperate cry, I threw on the bare minimum of clothes, shoved my feet into my shoes, and tumbled out of the room.
I practically fell down the apartment stairs, then jumped into my car without a second thought about being drunk.
※
I just had to escape.
Anywhere was fine. I just wanted to go home.
With that single thought, I slammed on the accelerator.
That’s when I remembered something I had forgotten.
That Kenshi Yonezu has warp abilities.
Parapara ppappa!
A grand sound rang out, and suddenly Kenshi Yonezu appeared right in front of my headlights!
I slammed on the brakes. But the Kenshi Yonezu in front of me didn’t look panicked at all.
Instead, he wore a manic grin, shook his wild hair, and began repeatedly teleporting around my car.
(Reference: https://youtu.be/UFQEttrn6CQ)
Kenshi Yonezu sang mockingly as he circled me, and finally—
“Jamakusakute ira tsuite mayoikonda nyan nyan nyan”
(Troublesomely irritated, a lost and wandering meow-meow-meow)
He warped inside the car!!!!!!!!!
“KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Screaming loud enough to drown out his singing, I frantically opened the door and tumbled out.
“Ken-chan! Stop it already! Come back to being Ken-chan!”
My voice was almost gone as I screamed.
“…Guh!?”
Maybe my feelings reached him — the Kenshi Yonezu in front of me clutched his head and stopped moving.
“Ken-chan… It’s me, Kana. You recognize me… right?”
“Ah… I re… cognize…! I… lo… ve… you…”
“I love you too, Ken-chan! So please…!”
“I love you, Vivi.”
“WHO THE HELL IS VIVI?!?!”
I abandoned the car and started running.
Even as he was losing himself, he still called out to me:
“It’s not like that, Kana…! I only… want you… Kana!”
I didn’t look back. I knew it was too late to stop him from becoming Kenshi Yonezu.
But — when my beloved called my name one last time, I… turned around.
“KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
(Reference: https://youtu.be/M2cckDmNLMI?t=130)
Ken-chan got hit by a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I kept running. I wouldn’t look back, I wouldn’t stop! I knew exactly what was coming next.
That’s right.
A massive horde of Kenshi Yonezus was chasing me!!!!
(Reference: https://youtu.be/M2cckDmNLMI?t=156)
“Haa, haa, haa…!”
I kept running through the night streets, careful not to let my panting turn into the IRIS OUT sound.
“Is there… anything I can do that Kenshi Yonezu can’t…?”
Countless Kenshi Yonezus chased me relentlessly from behind.
“!?”
But Kenshi Yonezu is omnipotent. I thought I was running toward my house, but…
“Why!?”
The car I had abandoned suddenly appeared in front of me again!
“There’s only one Kenshi Yonezu who can do this!!”
That’s right.
The “Sayōnara Mata Itsuka” Kenshi Yonezu!!!!
(Reference: https://youtu.be/-wb2PAx6aEs)
Kenshi Yonezu can even manipulate spacetime.
The spacetime-type Kenshi Yonezu appears with light violin music, but the next moment the song shifts into psychedelic techno.
He slowly waves his arm. The surrounding space ripples strangely, and then…
Kenshi Yonezu flew.
(Reference: https://youtu.be/fp3F6TqBsAU?t=57)
“Plazma Kenshi Yonezu!?”
Kenshi Yonezu can fly through the sky.
He flies through the air, runs across the land, and in LOSER he was even fine underwater.
(Reference: https://youtu.be/Dx_fKPBPYUI?t=78)
Land, sea, and air — there is nowhere left that isn’t Kenshi Yonezu’s territory.
Still, I ran again. There was nothing else I could do. Since he could manipulate spacetime, I could no longer go home.
※
Suddenly, in the corner of my vision, I saw an empty, uninhabited house.
Anywhere I could hide was fine. I dashed inside and quickly locked the door.
But Kenshi Yonezu instantly surrounded the house, waiting for me to give up and come out.
“If only this were a dream… Even now I still dream of you.”
What I heard was Lemon. The sound of my despairing retching ironically overlapped with the “Weh” ad-lib.
It was over.
There was nothing in this empty house. Just some suspiciously sweet cherry bonbons and what looked like an overly ambitious tarte tatin. What even is this house?
“Even the sadness of that day, even the pain of that day…”
The horde of Kenshi Yonezus surrounding the house kept singing Lemon. A perfect siege.
And now they were doing the last chorus hand-wave dance, beckoning me.
(Reference: https://youtu.be/SX_ViT4Ra7k?t=211)
If I stayed like this, I too would be swallowed by Kenshi Yonezu.
In that case, maybe I should just—
I grabbed a kitchen knife.
I didn’t think I could beat Kenshi Yonezu. But the only thing I could control here… was my own life.
I pressed the knife to my throat.
Memories of Ken-chan flashed through my mind.
“I’m sorry…”
And then I pulled the knife.
What flowed from my carotid artery was—
“Ken-chan… I love you…”
※
『— Next up in the news. Police received a report of a woman collapsed in an empty house in a residential area—』
“Quite a disturbing incident, huh,” my husband Kenta said, munching on mixed nuts while chugging beer.
“It’s really close by too.”
I wondered if our son Kensuke was okay. When I looked at my husband, I noticed a rather large mole-like mark under his right eye.
“Honey, is that…”
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