u/ScornSnake

I recently had an intense flashback to who/what I really am and my purpose, and since then have been wavering constantly between that knowing (deep feeling like an ocean) and what I've told myself I am currently (cynical). It feels like a painful electric jolt when trying to break through, and on the other side a kind of bright lucidity.

I'm managing it in multiple ways but one that seems to work best for maintaining and tracking is crystals, lapis and amazonite bracelets. The amazonite is difficult to wear when I'm stuck in the cynical, but very helpful for maintaining.

Are there recommended types and forms of crystal for this wavering problem? I'd like to maintain a higher frequency more consistently, it's like going in and out of amnesia. Besides crystals I have to journal, meditate, in general just maintain constant awareness throughout the day to avoid mundanity and pessimism. Sorry if this is a common post here but wasn't sure if this warranted a specific type.

For starters I have very little knowledge of gnosticism and this may just be baseless, I personally gain the most awareness through a connect-the-dots experimental approach so have shreds of many different areas.

After pondering quantum field things, something clicked and I remembered the things you all probably know; what I actually am, what I was doing before this life, my plan for this one to get to another plane, what this reality is in context of others, what true love actually feels like, etc.

But then I felt a faltering/looking back, and saw in the mind's eye a heavenly door with a massive paradox looming in front of it. I can't remember what it was because it was so dreadful that I gave myself amnesia then and there (had no idea I could do that until then, but now recognize the feeling when it happens subconsciously). It was something about having this knowledge being a double edged sword to being able to pass on to a higher plane. I was told to remove more attachments before proceeding and build fortitude of the mind, and flooded my mind with 'just be happy, spread joy'. I had a feeling I was making up this requirement to avoid interacting with the paradox.

This paradox had a familiar sense, like a monster in the corner of the eye I'd been ignoring my whole life. Like a jailkeeper. Any clue what this is? I'd like to know if it's societal conditioning, faulty mind, or worth respecting. Feels like being on new game+ with extra difficulty enemies