Can't seem to convince myself I have a chance, which is impacting my ability to write
This is a long and disjointed rant. I don't expect anyone to read it, but I had to get it off my chest.
I got low MCAT and never retook. 3.98/507 from a public school, as an ORM white guy. It's probably what most people say with a low score, but I know I could have done better. I didn't really apply myself or believe in myself. I had to take the test by a deadline for a high score, the last step for my conditional MD acceptance. Obviously didn't get that. The low MCAT posts usually say I studied hard and was averaging a 514 or something, which I feel bad for them, but I took one practice test beforehand and got a 501. Don't know how you can feel bad for that. So I'm very frustrated with myself. This is all uncharacteristic of me, and I think. I was in a bad state of mind.
Every one of my closest friends and pretty much everyone I know is already accepted MD in 2025 cycle.. I know these people worked hard and deserve it. It's very selfish, but it's not a great feeling to see everyone I know moving on
As far as my application, I thought it was decent, I did 1.5k hrs of 911/CCT EMT. I did 1k preclinical and now full-time clinical research, both in my main field of interest (with 3 mid author publications in the preclinical lab). I had 700ish hours of non-clinical volunteering, and was volunteer scribe at a free clinic. I had the leadership positions. I'm not a reapplicant.
To make matters worse, I spent a pretty significant amount of time on my PS, but for some reason the day before it opened, I felt compelled to change my final sentence to something cliche and, in retrospect, just flat out very cringy. And now I'm verified, but I'm barely prewriting. Now any time I to try to write secondaries, I can't stop thinking about how I screwed up for various reasons, so I haven't been able to write anything yet.
I will apply DOs. I don't want a whole another year to retake, so if I'm fortunate to get a DO, I'll be happy. I'm not the kind of person who cares if I have a MD or DO after my name. The things is, I met a surgeon through my job, who allows me to scrub in to watch his major surgeries, it is hands-down the most incredible thing I've ever seen. Since then I've wanted to be a surgeon. He is a typical surgeon, and it's impossible for him to comprehend MD is unrealistic for me. He lets me come back anytime I want and is already offering research and opportunities to start me on my path for the competitive specialty. I've been a little depressed, and I didn't even ask for a letter, nor have I been going back or staying in contact. I know it's not impossible to be a DO surgeon, but at least to my knowledge its certainly more risky. Honestly, I could see myself being content in family medicine, with my personality it's probably much more fitting anyway. But if I ever end up improving my self-esteem , it would have been nice to at least have the chance to try for the very competitive speciality. Oh well
Anyway, honestly my accepted friends (who I previously would have ranted to) deserve to move on and put all this behind them, so I guess I'm ranting on reddit lol, where no one is forced to read it. I know it's not just me going through it, and it sucks for everyone. I've got to somehow get it together to at least try to submit some applications, but I haven't found a way to do that. If anyone has any advice to offer, that would be greatly appreciated. Maybe even someone to give some tough love and say it sucks for everyone, get it together man would be alright.
Also, I am aware of the AAMC table where I supposedly have a 52.7% chance or whatever. I guess it's proof I do have a chance after all, but somehow it doesn't make me feel much better. I see the MSAR where I’m below 10th percentile at every NE school (I'm a resident of a large NE state), as ORM without any hardships or an outstanding application, I just don't have much hope.