Lust has gone too far 14M
Please read through and attempt to give me advice, I beg:
I’m 14M, before you get the idea, I’m not another immature clown of my age group. I first found the explicit content when i was 5 and didn’t really get addicted to it until 9 or 10, I would masturbate everyday up until 12. This was when I started getting closer to God and got in my first relationship with a girl my age. Now I wanna to add that when I was 12, I didn’t entirely stop masturbation, I couldn’t, I only delayed the urges for maybe 2-3 weeks before relapsing. Around this time, I also didn’t have much of a ‘staring’ at girls issue but I did look every now and then. But yeah, I got into my first rls and it was good. The only reason we went on a break was because I would say these weird, lustful things that she didn’t like. After she broke up with me and told me why, I had started to really become less sinful in that aspect, yes the masturbation continued on that cycle. I was trying to get out of the loop for so long, I even prayed, didn’t help me stop it for
good. Around a year or two after, maybe 3-6 months ago at the start or middle of the school year, me and my gf got back together we are doing much better in the rls due to better communication and me concealing my corrupted desires like the ones i’m about to mention. In this same time as we got back together, the content I watched got more and more extreme/intense, (CNC, Hardcore, etc.) Then I quickly started loving and hungering over seeing the ‘adult actresses ’ crying, struggling, or in pain. And quickly after that is when I started fantasizing about rape. I fantasized doing it to my gf, female friends, and other females too. I wanna say it’s just hormonal, that maybe I’m not praying right, but it’s gone on for too long. Something to add is that at times i’ll also get insanely misogynistic, only inside my own head, mainly when masturbating. All of this I know is unacceptable not just in the world, but mainly in the eyes of God. I thank Jesus for his continuous grace and I thank him for his sacrifice on the cross, it’s the only reason I haven’t taken my life in anger or sadness of disobeying God. On top of the twisted desires i’ve also drifted more from God and neglected my bible, rosary, and praying in general. I know none of it is right, it just feels like it’s a part of me I can’t get rid of, a part of me that will continue to grow. And then what if one day I really do act on these thoughts and urges, I fear for those around me especially as I get worse with age.
I don’t know what it is about the content, let alone wanting to rape someone.
It’s like I have a switch, when it’s flipped, I just wish to ruin a girls life, to break her, and see her as a helpless object for me to abuse. When the switch is flipped off, I focus on pure love more, I despise the thought of even immoral sex. Either way I know if something isn’t done soon that I will eventually be unable to stop it and give into the corruption in my heart.
I’m open to any ideas, whether they help me truly repent or push the fantasies out of my heart and help me become more pure. Please if you’ve read this far, recommend something, anything. I’ve probably already tried it before, but you can still recommend, please and thank you.
Thank you for at least reading, I hope you have a blessed day and can pray for me.
Note: I’ve never had sex before nor have I been raped or groomed, nothing of the sort. I somehow yearn for this stuff still. I may have left a few things out, if you have questions please ask.