u/Spare_Friendship_807

For context. I'm in my early 30s. 7 mos post radiation for stage 3C2, just had my follpw up pepvic exam (and pet scan... that's a whole other topic)... and she said there's very little scar tissue (I have been doing a LOT of dialator) and i "have good length".

But when I use the dialator, I can't even get it in 3.5 inches. It just stops against a hard wall. I told her I was worried it was sealed off or something because I can't feel my cervix either.

She told me that's just the end of my vagina now. No major scarring.. that's just stenosis and that's the new length of my vagina.

Like.... 3.5 inches. That's.... that's not gonna work for sex. (And that last .5 inches is painful, mind you)

I'm often torn between accepting the end of my 5 year relationship and a celibate future .... and grieving the loss of this relationship and penatrive sex.

I don't think I'm looking for anything here. I just want to speak to people who understand.

I know not everyone has bad stenosis here.

The Cancer had consumed the upper 1/3 of my vagina, so the radiation was focused there and did a lot of damage.

I know i can regain some length through dialation, but the nurse said centimeters. That's not going to help me any.

Anything past 2 inches has my writhing in pain. Past 3 and I'm crying out.

Further context:

Non-penatrive sex just isn't going to keep my partner happy. Been doing that for 2 years already due to pain and it's not sustainable. Some days I'm ok with letting this go and moving on to a celibate life. Some days, I'm greif-stricken over it.

The women in my family are no help. They all dislike thier husbands and don't want anything to do with sex, so they just tell me I'm lucky not to have to deal with it.

But my partner and i had a really fucking stellar sex life. And sex has always been a huge deal for me in a relationship.

I know there are men who would be fine with non-penatrive sex. But the thought of trying to pursue that lead is so exhausting, I would rather just adopt a celibate life and focus on myself.... and then i crt thinking about that.

It's such a cycle of emotions.

Just.... riding the waves.

That's all.... just... venting i guess

I'm 6 months post pelvic radiation (stage 3C2). 1.5 months post 2nd round of EBRT aimed just at para-arotic nodes.

Since finishing pelvic radiation, I've been having worsening bladder symptoms, I'm starting to deal with new rectal incontinence, there's always that aweful phlegm and sludge in my stool, my random pelvic pains are getting worse. I'm worried about possible cystitis and all the radiation fibrosis that is visable on my scans.

When I talk to my nurse (I don't get the Dr's time), she brushes me off and says "you just finished radiation (6 months ago) Healing take time. Talk to us in a year if it's not getting better" she flat out ignores every side-effect I mention. Doesn't respond or even acknowledge that I've spoken and says "well, it sounds like you're doing great. I'll see you in 3 weeks for your next infusion"

I'm losing my mind with the gaslighting. Yes, in many ways I am better now that my hemoglobin has recovered. But

Some things feel like they're getting worse. Not better.

Now I'm dealing with side effects from the 2nd round of EBRT near my stomach. Back to puking up everything I eat. Losing weight rapidly. I'm just so frustrated.

I know I should be so greatful that my cancer seems to be responding to treatment. But I'm also painfully frustrated with all the ways my body is falling apart and the drs just don't care.

I don't want to be a part of my own life anymore. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to do this.

I've had my port for almost 8 months. It hardly ever bothers me. But I've noticed lately that it hurts at seemingly random times. One consistent time is when I'm in the car. (Drivers side or passenger. The seat belt doesn't affect it)

It's worse when I'm in my car that rattles on the road more.

Anyone else find thier port acts up with the vibration of driving? Or any other times?