Why do I panic so much over simple social interactions?
All my life, I’ve felt like there’s someone holding my throat and this heavy feeling in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I can’t speak properly. I don’t know why anxiety pulls me back so much. Everything I want to achieve requires talking to people, but I just can’t do it. The more I try, the more embarrassed I feel.
Because of this, I don’t socialize, I don’t participate, and I avoid things. I had a meeting today that’s still going on right now. I knew since earlier that it was at 9:30 PM, but I couldn’t get myself to do any work the whole day because I was so anxious about it. I just wanted it to start and end so I could finally feel free again. I spent hours scrolling reels just to distract myself from this weird feeling in my chest.
I want to achieve so many things. I want to lead, I want to talk in groups, but I just can’t. When I joined the meeting, they were asking simple questions while everyone was joining, like “What’s something good that happened this week?” Even before they called my name, I was already anxious, thinking, “What if they ask me? What will I say?” I kept overthinking everything.
Then suddenly, I lost the audio and couldn’t hear anything, and at the same time, my name got called. I panicked. I opened my mic, but it wasn’t working either. I couldn’t respond, and they moved on, but my anxiety didn’t. It got even worse. Everyone kept talking, but their words felt overwhelming to me at that moment. I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable that I left and messaged that I was having technical issues and couldn’t join.
And now I’m here panicking over something that probably isn’t even a big deal to anyone else. I don’t understand why it feels so huge to me. Why can’t I talk like normal people without feeling breathless?
I have zero friends. It’s my summer break, and I honestly don’t know how to get out of this position. Am I alone in feeling like this? Will I ever be able to make friends and feel normal around people?