Detective Chip in “Why Do I Feel this way?”-A Short Story
Chip woke before sunrise, stretched his arms dramatically toward the ceiling, and declared, “Another beautiful day for justice.”
Beside him, Dalena made a sleepy noise from beneath the blankets.
Chip went on his morning walk through the neighborhood trails, exchanged stern nods with Mr. Crow, and returned home victorious. Breakfast followed shortly after: two berries and half a waffle.
Then everything went wrong. Chip stood from the table and immediately collapsed back into his chair.
“Oh no,” he whispered.
Dalena looked up from her tea. “What?”
Chip slowly turned toward her with the grave expression of a detective who had just discovered a body in a closet.
“My legs,” he croaked. “My back.”
Dalena blinked. “You’re sore?”
“Sore?” Chip gasped. “SORE? Dalena, my muscles feel like they’ve been beaten with a million tiny hammers!”
He attempted to stand again. His leg cramped instantly. Chip grabbed the table dramatically.
“We have a new case,” he whispered.
Dalena sighed the sigh of a woman who loved him very much. “What case?”
Chip narrowed his eyes. “The case? The case of: Why the I hell do I feel this way?”
Thunder would have been nicely dramatic had the weather been more cooperative.
The investigation began immediately. Chip paced the living room with all the dignity he could muster with his lower back locking up every six steps.
Dalena sat on the couch with a notebook.
“Possible causes?” she asked.
“Poison.”
“Chip.”
“Curses.”
“Chip.”
“Advanced bone theft.”
Dalena raised an eyebrow. “Chip.”
Chip shrugged defensively, “Dogs are very good at that!”
Before Dalena could respond, Chip froze. His eyes widened. Slowly, dramatically, he pointed toward the window. There was a cat outside, watching them. The cat lifted one paw.
Chip gasped. “No.”
Dalena squinted. “That’s just Mrs. Harrison’s cat.”
Chip whipped toward her.
“Mrs. Harrison?” he whispered. “You mean…”
Chip paused for dramatic effect, watching the cat blinked slowly. “The Eye Lady.”
Dalena groaned into her notebook.
The Eye Lady was Chip’s greatest rival. She wore enormous glasses, solved crossword puzzles in pen not pencil, and once figured out who stole Dalena’s gardening gloves three days before Chip did the deed. Chip had never recovered.
“The Eye Lady has heard about the case,” he said grimly. “She’s sent her feline operative.”
The cat sneezed against the window.
“Look at those cold eyes,” Chip muttered.
“His name is Muffin.”
“Code names, Dalena. Please keep up.”
By afternoon, the mystery deepened. Chip waddled outside from kitchen holding his arm.
“Dalena.”
She looked up from where she was digging storage holes for winter nuts.
“Yes?”
Chip rolled up his sleeve dramatically. A bruise was forming on his arm. Dalena gasped.
Chip looked vindicated. “A clue!”
“Or you bumped into something.”
“But what if I didn’t?”
Dalena opened her mouth. Then stopped. Her eyes shifted toward the fence line. A bunny sat there motionless, watching them.
Chip followed her gaze. The shovel slipped from Dalena’s hands. Chip clutched his chest.
“A SECOND MINION.”
The bunny twitched its nose.
“The Eye Lady is accelerating her investigation,” Chip hissed.
Dalena whispered, “Do you think she’s close to solving it?”
Chip’s face hardened.
“Not before me.”
The bunny hopped away.
“RUNNING TO REPORT BACK!” Chip shouted after it.
By dinner time, Chip had assembled fourteen theories. None were correct.
Theory seven involved underground goblins. Theory eleven blamed “aggressive weather.”Theory fourteen suggested his skeleton was trying to escape.
Dalena was quietly removing that one from the evidence board when there came a knock at the door.
Chip froze. Another knock. Dalena opened the door. On porch stood The Eye Lady holding a casserole dish. She adjusted her giant glasses.
Chip narrowed his eyes. “You.”
“Hello, Chip.”
“You’ve come to gloat.”
“I’ve come to bring lasagna.”
Chip faltered slightly. “…A likely cover.”
The Eye Lady gave the long suffering sign of someone who had known and been dealing with this lovable idiot for years.
“I heard you weren’t feeling well.”
“A convenient excuse to interrogate me.”
“No,” she said. “I saw you have a seizure this morning.”
Chip blinked.
Dalena straightened immediately. “What?”
The Eye Lady leaned against the doorway.
“You were walking past my house. You collapsed near the mailbox.” Her voice softened. “You were confused afterward, but you insisted you were fine and kept walking home.”
Chip stared at her. “I… did?”
She nodded.
“You probably strained your muscles during it,” Dalena considered. “That would explain the soreness and bruising.”
Chip’s fuzzy ears lowered slightly. “That actually makes sense.”
The Eye Lady continued, “I sent Muffin to your window because I wanted to see if you were okay.”
Chip blinked again. “And the bunny?”
“My daughter’s rabbit got loose.”
A long silence filled the room. Finally Chip crossed his arms.
“…Very clever.”
The Eye Lady stared.
“You nearly solved the case before I did.”
“Chip—”
“But Detective Chip remains undefeated. I suspected a seizure from the get-go!” He declares.
Dalena buried her face in her hands. The Eye Lady laughed despite herself.
“Yeah, Chip, you win this one.”