My son loves karate, but karate does not currently love him back.
Hello all,
I’m going out of my mind a little bit here, and I fully recognize that I am the problem.
My feelings about this are unfair to my son, irrational, unnecessarily dramatic, and frankly something I should probably work through with a professional instead of silently spiraling behind a glass window at a children's karate class.
But before I book that appointment, I thought I would ask for advice from other parents who may have experienced something similar. I am also open to being gently (or perhaps not so gently) humbled and reminded to get a grip.
Some background, if it helps:
My 7-year-old son is a very strong-willed child. Academically, he is extremely intelligent and has been added to his school's watch list for giftedness testing, which he'll take next year before transitioning to Grade 3. If he scores accordingly, he may be invited into the gifted program.
Academics come very naturally to him. Sometimes it feels like he barely has to try before his brain simply goes, "Oh, I understand this now," and moves on with its day.
Athletics, however, have been a different story.
We tried soccer when he was 4 and it was a disaster. Not because soccer did anything wrong, but probably because we chose it for him, thinking it would be a good first sport. He was not interested in running or even kicking a ball. The only interest he did have was picking flowers out of clover patches.
His extracurricular interests have traditionally been in the tech/STEM world. We have happily carted him around to 3-D printing classes, LEGO robotics, coding programs, and robot fighting tournaments.
So naturally, when he announced a couple of months ago that he wanted to try karate, my husband and I were thrilled that he was ready to choose his own sport! We found a highly rated dojo in our area, and so far, it seems great: there are no bizarre belting or grading policies, and the senseis are positive, supportive, and genuinely seem to meet the kids where they're at.
We are now in our fifth week of white belt classes. He goes twice a week for 30 minutes, and before every class he is practically giddy with excitement.
After class, we talk about his favourite parts on the ride home, and I always ask him how he thinks he did. Every single time, his answer is, "Great!" Accompanied by an enthusiastic thumbs-up.
And this is where my problem begins. Because he is not great. At all.
I don't say this to him, obviously. I smile, I encourage, I celebrate. I give him the same energy he gives me.
But internally? I am watching what appears to be a very enthusiastic golden retriever attempting martial arts.
Out of the 3-7 kids usually in his class (which are a mix of the first 3 belt colours) he consistently struggles the most. A few examples:
He cannot do a full set of 10 pushups without collapsing around pushup number 3 or 4. A sensei will often get down beside him and do them with him to motivate him through the remaining 6 or 7, which is very sweet and also somehow makes me want to disappear into the floor.
He has absolutely no concept of the pace of the class. If the sensei demonstrates moderate, controlled jumping jacks, my son interprets this as GO AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Within seconds, he is approximately three warmups ahead of everyone else and completely exhausted.
When practicing punches and blocks with a partner, he struggles to wait for the other child to actually complete the block before launching the next punch. His general strategy appears to be: punch punch punch punch punch and hopefully someone figures something out.
Left and right are just philosophical concepts to him. He frequently performs forms in the exact opposite direction from everyone else.
Balancing on one leg to perform a kick is aspirational at this stage.
His guard stance often involves both fists pressed directly against his chin, his shoulders rounded inward, and an overall posture that suggests he may be preparing to survive an aggressive windstorm rather than defend himself from an opponent.
And yes, some of the other children struggle with things too. But my son is generally the one requiring the most consistent support throughout the class.
There are children as young as 5 who watch the sensei demonstrate something once and then execute it with the precision of some miniature action movie hero.
Meanwhile, my son is facing the wrong direction, doing jumping jacks at 400 kilometres per hour, and accidentally inventing a new martial art.
In spite of this, the senseis have been amazing. There are two or three of them in each class, usually with one leading and the others helping the kids who need extra support. They are incredibly patient with him. They constantly high-five him, encourage him, and praise him when he finishes a difficult form or pushes through a set of warmups after struggling to get started.
And through it all, my son absolutely loves it, which is somehow making my own internal issue even more obvious. Because while he’s having the time of his life, I'm sitting behind the glass wondering if the other parents are ruthlessly judging my son or how long it’s going to be before the senseis pull me aside and gently say, 'Ma'am, we've discussed this as a team, and perhaps your son would be happier pursuing something less dependent on coordination?'"
I know these are my own anxieties. I have never expressed any of this to him, I don't compare him to the other children, I don't criticize his performance, and I don't attempt to coach him from the sidelines.
When he looks through the glass to make sure I'm watching, I smile and give him an encouraging thumbs-up.
And now we have graduation coming up in about a month. As part of it, the students at his level will perform a form coordinated to music, which they started practicing last week.
Friends, I have seen the rehearsal. My son is so wildly out of sync with the other children that I am considering how to fake our own disappearance from society for the evening. Obviously, he will be attending, and obviously, I will be there cheering. But the thought of watching him perform what may be an interpretive solo somewhere adjacent to the group choreography is testing me.
The strange thing is that my son can actually be very hard on himself. If something doesn't come naturally to him, he can become frustrated and give up quickly.
Which makes his attitude toward karate even more interesting, because he genuinely seems to think he's doing great. And maybe he is, in a way, as he's showing up, he's trying despite struggling, and he's doing the pushups even when he clearly would prefer to merge with the floor.
But I am still struggling with it. And I know that’s my own fault.
So, karate parents (or really, parents of children who have enthusiastically pursued something they were initially spectacularly bad at): how did you get over your own secondhand embarrassment and anxiety? Did your child eventually improve with practice? Were there things you did at home that helped without turning their enjoyable hobby into another thing they felt pressured to perform at? And most importantly,
how do I learn to sit behind that glass, watch my beloved child, and simply be happy that he has found something he loves?
Thank you!