Female probie firefighter. Is this normal probation or am I missing something?
I’m about a month and a half on the job and I’m genuinely trying to figure out if this is just how probation is or if I’m missing something big.I knew I’d get corrected a lot. I expected to be new, do the grunt work, get things wrong, and learn as I go. I’m not complaining about that part.
What I can’t figure out is the constant moving target.
I’ve been told I talk too much, so now I’m basically trying to be seen and not heard most of the time. Unless it’s training or I have a direct question, I’m not really saying anything anymore because I’m trying to avoid adding to the list of things I’m doing wrong. I’ve also been told I’m not taking enough initiative, but at the same time it feels like everything I do gets picked apart. I do all the cleaning without being asked, I stay on top of chores, and when training comes around I’m fully engaged and ask questions when I need clarification. When I’m not doing that, I’m usually in the pit studying maps, streets, hydrants, and trying to learn the district. One of the things I’ve been corrected on is interacting too much when people stop by the firehouse walking their dogs. People come by regularly to grab dog treats, and I was told I was petting too many of the dogs or engaging too much there. That was something I adjusted immediately too.
The frustrating part is it feels like every time I get corrected on something and fix it, something else comes up right after. It’s like the standard keeps shifting. Yesterday kind of hit a breaking point for me. I got chewed out, and the senior firefighter literally pulled out his phone with a list of things I was doing wrong and went through it line by line. On top of that, I was told other groups have been talking about me and saying things, and it felt like there’s already a narrative about me that I’m trying to catch up to. Even during training, I feel like I’m actively improving in real time, fixing things as they’re pointed out, but it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. The atmosphere feels really hot and cold. Some shifts people are joking with me and it feels normal. Other shifts it feels like I’m being watched or waiting for the next thing I’m going to get called out for.
I’ve started second guessing everything. How much I talk, where I stand, whether I should ask questions or just stay quiet and figure it out on my own. It feels like no matter what I choose, it’s wrong. I’m not trying to say I don’t make mistakes I know I do. I’m new. I’m just trying to understand if this is normal probation culture, if I’m already developing a reputation without realizing it, or if I’m missing something everyone else already knows