NEED some support I feel scared
After weeks of chronically looking for my symptoms on a guest Reddit account, I finally made one to reach out to see if I could find any answers.
About almost a month ago, around June 9 I was pondering had a sudden “click” in my brain and reality around me felt unfamiliar and WAY too real and what followed were extreme existential thoughts. “Am I real ,is this real life, etc” That moment still feels like a blur but I think I just ignored what I was doing and went about my day. From there it slowly started getting worse, I developed this hyperawarness of my surroundings and constantly checking around instead of being in the present moment. The feeling doesn’t leave. I don’t feel safe anywhere, not even my own home. I went on survival mode hoping it would go away on its own, the first week I couldn’t even eat and I lost a lot of weight, now I’m stuck and can’t even enjoy sleeping or anything in my days. I’ve tried every grounding technique, meditation seems to make me more nervous, breathing techniques do nothing. Being in the present moment brings so much unease and discomfort. However imagining doing something (I.e. going to the beach) sounds fun but being in the present moment not at all.
Some background info about me, I’m a college student on summer break, been constantly at home mostly playing video games, or being creative, going through the motions, drank coffee for a bit but quit a couple days before it occurred. Never did drugs/smoked weed/drank alcohol. I’ve had really bad social anxiety/general anxiety my whole life but felt I could manage, also showed signs for either ADHD/OCD but never got proper diagnosis (went against my parents). So I already struggle with overthinking and rumination.
I tried to look up my symptoms and heard it could be DPDR but, nothing feels dreamlike or blurry or 2D. Quite the opposite I feel like I’m TOO alive everything looks TOO realistic and clear, and my voice and others sound too loud, touching things feels too stimulating. I wouldn’t mind it if it wasn’t for the severe discomfort and unease it brings to me constantly 24/7. I feel like the only way to survive is through distractions, being on my phone, playing a game, keeping myself busy is the only time I’m not focused on the present to bring me unease. It’s also made me an extremely clingy person, I’m scared to be alone and feel the need to constantly be near family or someone just to feel a little at ease.
I fear I will never return to normal because I don’t know what is even wrong with me, or that I don’t even remember what normal feels like. I’m not depressed, in fact my mind and memories works fine, I just feel like I’m living in a surreal nightmare I can’t wake up from.
I have a small theory that I’ve somehow been dissociative my whole life and now I’m somehow in the real world and feel absolutely terrified and my anxiety won’t leave me alone until I go back to “normal”. If I close my eyes and focus on the feeling sometimes get a tingling feeling in my head I remember I used to get when I tried to lucid dream in the past using WILD method but that’s all. There’s also a weird pressure in my eyes or near my third eye area sometimes. My psychiatrist thinks it’s plain anxiety and I’ve been on 5mg lexapro for about a week now, my therapist doesn’t really know what’s goin on either which of course scares me even more. Also my sister bought me some 4:1 CBD THC gummies saying it should calm me down but I’m scared it’ll make it worse? What should I do???
I honestly don’t expect anyone to have any tips or answers but I would appreciate anything.