I'm an idiot and failure.
Preface: undiagnosed because I’m a coward to get one.
Okay, seriously, I do carry guilt for cheating in 11th and 12th grade at math.
I know this doesn’t scream a big deal (in the sense of warranting a post and the flair), but as my graduation is coming up, all I can really think of is how my graduation doesn’t feel earned and I’m so worried they’re just going to say, “Surprise! We know you cheated and you’re going to be failed!” In front of everyone when it’s my turn to walk.
The reason I cheated is because I was so scared of asking for help in front of my classmates because it always seemed like everyone understood and knew what they were doing. When the teacher asked if we had any questions, nobody really said they did and I didn’t want to seem like the dumbass of the class—especially because I thought “the problem must be easy if no one is speaking up.”
I’ve ALWAYS struggled with math, as far as third grade even (though they PILED us with homework. Genuinely it was utterly insane to expect any kid to finish all of it in one night without staying up late). And it’s not something that’s surprising but I feel like I made it so much harder on myself.
My utter fear at being seen as the dumbest person alive by my peers, and being seen as a nuisance to my teacher, kept me from asking for help. I really thought it was better to sit in silence. To my defense, I genuinely don’t understand math besides the basics. The BASICS. Ive tried to watch videos on math, but it’s so damn boring and I’d much rather be doing anything else.
I don’t get how people look at math and see steps or an equation to solve. All I see are numbers that I’m supposed to get or at least understand. It’s like my comprehension is pure garbage at math. I did fine (I would think so) in all my other subjects. It’s like if a teacher writes an example on the board and then gives up a sheet with a similar problem, then at least I can look back and forth from the board and the problem to have a reference.
But everything goes out the window if they erase it. It’s like my brain goes, “Great. Forget everything and sit here confused, you dumb fuck.” And let’s say I do have the reference, I’m STILL looking back and forth constantly because this idiot brain CANNOT remember the steps it took to solve the problem it just did.
Anyway, I was able to cheat easily because I got switched to night school and everything was online and nobody really cared. I don’t know, man…
I even failed major tests that determined me graduating—MULTIPLE TIMES. If it wasn’t for my school having this program that let us retake it over and over until we passed, then I wouldn’t be able to be in a gown nor wear a cap! I kid you not, I didn’t understand anything of what I was reading and I guessed over and over until I passed.
I got a tutor and it was embarrassing because it felt a big sign that said “look at me!! An idiotic person!!” Being explained things around people make me feel like I was a toddler, but I gotta give credit where it’s due. I really did have a lot of “ohhhh” moments. Still, forgot it during the tests.
Maybe it's not what I'm making it to be, maybe I should've posted this to a vent sub? Maybe a rant suv? I'm so sorry if it doesn't fit. I posted this in ADHD originally, but it was removed and I was recommended this sub. Maybe I should've put this somewhere else. I'm sorry. If it's breaking any rules, let me know!