u/Sweet_Departure_3815

I wanted to share this for anyone who's questioning their faith..

I've had moments where I've struggled too. I've lived through depression, dealt with anxiety, and gone through hard times where one thing after another happened until I felt completely broken. During these times I didn't know how I was going to move forward, and recently, I reached one of the lowest points of my life. My whole system just seemed to shut down. Looking back, I think I was carrying a lot of trauma, and I retreated back into my shell. I was constantly in survival mode, just trying to get through each day.

But even through all of that, I never felt like turning away from Sikhi. If anything, I found myself turning towards it even more. I turned to Waheguru. I turned to the Guru's sanctuary. I turned to sangat. I continued doing Naam Japna, learning Gurbani, and reciting banis as much as I was able to. I didn't always have answers, and I didn't always feel strong, but I knew where i wanted to turn for healing.

Sikhi didn't promise me a life without hardship, but it gave me somewhere to place my heart when my own strength wasn’t enough, when I felt completely lost, when I felt like I had nothing left, and when things just seemed pitch black. 

I'm not sharing this because I think everyone's journey will look like mine. We all carry different burdens, and I know that people have different reasons for questioning things, but if you’re struggling, I just hope none of you give up. I just simply wanted to say that, in some of the darkest moments of my life, leaning into Sikhi became my greatest source of comfort and strength. When my mind was restless… more than anything I just wanted to sit in the Darbar Sahib, it was an intense craving that I can’t even put into words, and I just knew I’d find healing there. Even if all you can do is sit quietly in Darbar Sahib or whisper "Waheguru," that's enough. You don't have to have everything figured out before you come to the Guru.

I truly believe Waheguru sees our pain. Even when we can't understand what we're going through, I believe he still watches out, hasn’t forgotten us, and sometimes has us go through difficult times to pull us out of this moh maaya and back towards him. It’s what I’ve experienced anyways… I just think he helped pull me out from being more consumed by the distractions and attachments of this world. These difficult experiences just seemed to remind me where lasting peace is found. I cant claim to understand his hukam but I strongly feel that he has a way of helping us out because he alone is the source of fulfillment. 

I pray that anyone who's hurting finds peace, strength, and hope, and that one day you can look back and see that Waheguru was walking with you through it all.

If you’re struggling or wrestling with questions, pls don’t feel like you have to carry it alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out to sangat. If you ever need someone to listen, my DMs are open too. 

If I am going back and forth between decisions, how do I know what decision is the best. I find it so hard to understand what is meant for me. I feel like I may even misunderstand things like thinking God is leading me to walk on a specific path, but then walking on it may make me feel unease, and unsafe, and have me feeling mentally unwell then when I remove myself from that path I still feel confused, still feels like something isn’t right and I go back and forth like this. If everything is happening like it’s supposed to happen then what was the hukam? Me opening this new door or me returning back from it and then what if I keep going back and forth between the doors ?

is there also any kind of prayer I can recite ? I just feeling lost, low, confused, empty.

I find it so hard. There was a time I would read up on moh, and how we are supposed to practice detachment but how is that possible ? Like I don’t like being controlling but I didn’t know that I even had these traits until I got into a relationship. I realized I chased the ideal and if someone was attracted to me, i couldn’t get myself attracted to them unless they became this ideal, and matched certain things with me. i feel I could still love them but could only be attracted to ideal. I don’t know why I am like this… and then it affects me too much because of this unhealthy attachment pattern, at same time I also have an anxious attachment style.

so my situation is that I had a platonic/romantic bond with my partner and I know that I was toxic in ways aka controlling, trying to change this person into what I’d be attracted to, the ideal. I had become possessive and jealous too, it was unhealthy moh from my side and I wasn’t able to let this person be how they wanted to be because it would bother me and I couldn’t get attracted to it, I know that instead of trying to change people to match us we shouldn’t latch onto them but this person not wanting to, did make some changes for me.

I happened to shift down with them to be in the province where they work, it’s been a month since I shifted. it’s been 2 years since we met and this person could have shifted down where I was located but I didn’t want them to lose out on a good incentive that they were getting through work, it wasn’t an easy move for me I experienced homesickness. I was entirely dependent on family and this person came into my life promising me a good life and how I could rely on them, and how they’d be the breadwinner, and how I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. As I shifted down we’ve had some arguments, there were things that I said that impacted my partner and vice versa.

I tried to change certain things about myself, and sometimes I would go silent to not say the wrong thing, and also would go silent due to my partner having OCD (when we would go grab groceries, they’d be showing me their way of organizing products in the fridge. However everyone has their own way, how am I supposed to magically know that eggs are supposed to go with etc just because my partner puts them there. Anyways I would dread getting groceries with partner to have them firmly and rudely tell me how it isn’t rocket science and how this and that aren’t supposed to go together.) so this was also another reason for why I’d go silent because then I was in fight or flight mode, and I’d have a freeze response, and my partner thought I was showing attitude by being silent.

Anyways situation now is that I have planned to move back home only after a discussion with my partner the other night, I told my partner how my family had concerns and wanted me to find work down here. I was also beginning to feel useless, this whole being dependent on another person was eating me away on the inside, and so often I would call home because that was my escape to safety. I’d step out of the house as well and go for a walk just so to not experience what I was experiencing at this place. So I had told my partner a night ago that if they plan to move into a more rural location then maybe there wouldn’t be job opportunities for me, and i told them how I am stuck in same situation like I was at home but except this time at home there are a couple of job opportunities that I could try, then they told me that my parents are right and that I should go home, and they even asked who would pick me up. So I took their words seriously since for me this was a serious discussion, and i informed my parents I’d be coming back home. i was feeling emotionally unwell after this discussion because it felt like my partner wasn’t as impacted as i was in regards to separating from them and they didn’t seem to understand what I was going through so I bottled up my feelings which was a wrong thing to do because I ended up venting at them in a poorly way next morning and then they invalidated my emotions and labeled them as behavioural issues to which I swore at them, and then they were just at me and told me to leave place asap.

so when they came home from work I tried to patch things up and tried to communicate with them but I couldn’t even say a sorry because they were showing me attitude and being rude, and so it was a clash of egos and things stretched far, and partner was lashing and swearing and threatening to hurt me, then I went into my room and partner was messaging me how i couldn’t last a couple weeks here and how I promised to be with them, but in regards to discussion we had I had made the choice to move back since they told me to, and now they were just going on about how they did this and that for me and how I couldn’t accumulate to anything without them and giving me bad dhua, saying how I would suffer, and how I abused their kindness (this person wasn’t always kind, when it came to their OCD I know the amount of anxiety and panic it caused me, but they like to label things as they see them and for them they are always right) so anyways while they were lashing at me I tried to calm myself down and just apologized to them for any hurt I caused them, whilst they were still venting.

what id like to ask all of you is that did I make the right decision or no ? I was so confused for all these past days and I was wanting guidance from God, I just didn’t know what to do. I’m not trying to paint a bad image of my partner just what we were both going through, they have done a lot for me, but to hear things like I did this and that for you, it doesn’t feel good, and makes me never want to be dependent on another person again. I didn’t intend to hurt this person that’s why I was avoiding to move back and I wanted to stay with this person and go with whatever they had planned, but after coming here I felt a bit sick on the inside, I wanted to also build something for myself here and not rely on partner for everything. I just don’t know if I made the right choice, and I’ve been feeling really low. I was having a conversation with Guru Nanak Dev Ji in the morning about all this and not knowing whether I made the right choice or wrong choice because this choice has hurt my partner but at the same time I made the choice based on discussion we had and how they told me to go back.

Partner told me that they told me to go back because it was what I wanted to hear and to make me feel better which makes no sense because to me I was having a serious discussion, and I told them that if I moved back home and if I got any job opportunities then I could pitch in and they agreed with that so like idk i dont like how they twisted and turned this conversation into something that I was supposed to understand (that they only said this to make me feel better and dont actually want me to go back).

i am torn, i know i shouldn’t have vented out on them like i did in the morning and i am not sure if they were upset because of the way i said things or that im leaving but if i said things in a different way maybe we wouldnt have parted i dont understand if this is hukam or if i did something wrong and messed up I just dont know. I was feeling some kind of sickness inside being dependent on partner, and then any small argument that would be stretched they’d say go back home, and i thought that even if I was dependent on them it would feel like a shared existence that they wouldn’t say these kinds of things to me, but to tell me that “without me you can’t get this and that and only I could have made ur future“ how are these kinds of things fair to say? Didn’t make me feel any good and just disgusted of my dependent self. Perhaps they did want to help me with my situation, but then again I wouldn’t want to hear in the future that I did this and that for you.