u/T3h-Du7chm4n

TL;DR: old habits die hard, and we need to learn that all change (even mental changes) take time to become normal

I have had a bunch of time lately to sit with my own thoughts and emotions due to some health issues that I’ve posted about before. As a consequence, I was going through some mental conversational scripts that I use as an person with Autism, and happened to notice that I was referring to myself as “he/him” while I was doing this.

At first it triggered a bunch of Dysphoria and Imposter syndrome, so I decided to let those thoughts go and do a bit of mindfulness meditation on this as I was starting to get into a bit of a negative thought loop. While I let these thoughts go and watched them flow through their natural progression, an idea came up that kinda resolved the whole thing in one go. That idea, in essence was:

“Thirty-odd years of thinking one way cannot easily be undone by a few months of effort. Keep putting in the work, and eventually it will become as natural as breathing”

It’s not an entirely profound thought, but when it came up, it reset my whole paradigm on the subject. I was talking to someone last night, and they suggested that I should share it, in the event that it might help someone in a similar situation.

Regardless of how long you’ve been transitioning, it’s more than probably going to be a shorter period of time than you have been living under a bunch of erroneous assumptions about yourself. Just because you feel like you’re not progressing in whatever way you’re focusing on, doesn’t mean that you’re not trans or not valid or that change isn’t happening. We live in our bodies every day, so all we see is the infinitesimal slice of the curve that we are standing on. There’s an entire geometric curve behind and in front of us, and just because it looks locally flat, doesn’t mean the rest of it isn’t there.

Love and hugs to all of you,
-P

W: fatphobia (kinda)

Background: been taking feminising HRT for about five months now, 39 yo, need to vent. Not out socially, just to trusted friends and family.

As the title says, today sucked. I have been having intermittent moderate to severe lumbar pain since the end of January, but recently it’s gotten to the point where I have an unassisted walking tolerance of 5 minutes. I told my GP, who ordered an MRI, and then referred me to the Neurosurgeon that I saw this morning.

Turns out, one of my lumbar discs and the vertebra above it need some serious work done on them so that I can get rid of the constant pain and live my life without needing a walking stick to get about. (I’m also losing neurological function in my left leg, and one of my leg muscles is starting to atrophy). But the real fun bit was that at the end of this the Neurosurgeon said that they wouldn’t be able to operate on me due to my weight (134kg) making the entire procedure far too risky (which I totally understand, btw. Every surgeon has their own appetite for risk and there are ethical considerations as well). They then told me that ideally I would need to be around 80kg, but that he would start considering surgery around 100kg body weight.

The thing is, with that much weight loss over the course of 12-18 months (which is now a necessity for me) I’m just kinda stuck (and consequently bummed out) by the impact that would have on my transition and appearance.

I know, health has to come first and I need to loose this weight anyway, but it just sucked to hear that during the whole process of also learning about all the other limitations that I have to live with alongside the pain until I get to a weight that surgical guidelines say is safe. These limitations are going to make keeping my job harder (sales) and I’m kinda stressed about that after having the back half of last year off due to other health issues.

Apologies for the wall of text, I just needed to vent to anonymous internet strangers to get this off my chest.

TL;DR:- I’m obese and a doctor told me I need to lose a bunch of weight before I can get surgery, during which time my condition with continue to get worse, with potentially permanent nerve damage. But my brain won’t stop focusing on the superficial impact it might have on my appearance as I continue HRT.

So, the other day was my two weeks on Estradiol, (4mg/day now, split dose) and I have started CPA this past week as well (12.5mg x 3 doses per week).

As well as wanting to celebrate this tiny little slice of time, I thought I would share some of the things which I have noticed that changed in the last fortnight:

- Less mental tension/noise: my brain and inner mind space is substantially more calm and quiet. As a person with ADHD, this has been amazing. (Also found out during an appointment with my psychiatrist that there is good evidence that Oestrogens increase the effectiveness of Stimulant ADHD medications)

- Increased sensory sensitivity: Touch, hearing, taste and smell have all started to get more sensitive. Particularly my sense of smell (I had a really strong sense of smell as a kid, and it’s more or less returned to that level, which means walking past a lush store is physically painful). I also touched a super soft faux fur blanket in Costco the other day and it was an almost orgasmic experience!

- (Negative) Emotional reactivity is lower: I’m less angry and cranky, and it takes a lot longer for me to get annoyed or frustrated with people than before. I’m also a bit more patient.

- Decreased cold tolerance: I definitely feel the cold more now than I did before starting E2, to the point where I am wearing warmer clothes earlier in the day.

- Nipple Sensitivity increased: OH MY GOD… I was in a shop the other day and a cold breeze blew through, I swear my nipples felt like they were made of tungsten carbide in that moment, and that there were icicles hanging off them. (I have started wearing crop tops under my shirts to prevent this from happening again, as it was remarkably… unpleasant)

- Skin feeling less tough: one of our dogs grabbed at my hand with his paw last night, which he does frequently, and it has never really bothered me before. It felt like his claws were so much sharper than they were.

- Chest/breast pain: there is an almost constant, dull ache on each side of my chest that is centred just below the skin under each nipple. (I have done some reading, and this is likely due to the formation of breast tissue/ducts and glands. At any rate it is bilateral, close to the surface and low-level, so I’m not concerned about it.)

Note: If you’re like me and have just started E2 GAHT, please don’t feel bad if you haven’t noticed any of this. I spend a big chunk of time before I go to sleep each night doing journaling and self-reflection so some of this may be confirmation bias on my part, plus a good degree of decreased dissociation from my body. Plus as with all things GAHT, everyone’s body (genetics, proteome, physiology) is different and this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Have a great day and enjoy your weekend people!

This is it, the first day of Antiboyotics.

It feels incredible, I almost can’t believe it.

Today is the day that I took my fist dose of Anticistamines, Breast Mints, Booby Boosters, Chiklets, Femme & M’s, Her/She’s Kisses, Tit-Tacs, Titty Skittles, Transition Fluid, or whatever you want to call it ☺️.

I know there’s going to be a good amount of confirmation bias and “procebo effect”, but getting that script filled and taking my first pill felt pretty darn good, not gonna lie. It’s only the first titration step and I have four weeks on this before bumping the dose, so I now there won’t be any noticeable physiological effects for a little while, but I honestly can’t believe how euphoric today has been simply because of this.

I just want to say to anyone that is on the fence, if it’s safe for you to do so? Go find a supportive, informed consent doctor and make an appointment with them. You might be surprised about how straightforward the process is, I know I was.