She was someone I met online, but she became so much more
Hi everyone. I’m not really sure how to start this, but I’m hoping it’s okay to share my story here. I’m also hoping to ask for some advice and support because I’m having a really hard time dealing with my grief.
I recently lost someone very dear to me—someone I met through an online game. What started as simply playing a game together slowly became something much more genuine. We talked almost every day, shared our lives, joked around, supported each other, and eventually became a very important part of each other’s lives.
I want to clarify something because I know people sometimes see online relationships differently. We were never officially in a relationship because we wanted to figure things out properly when we finally met in person. But honestly, by that point, it already felt like we were together. There was love, affection, care, and a genuine connection between us. We had talked about meeting someday and figuring out where our relationship would go from there.
So even though we never got the chance to put an official label on what we were, what we had was very real to me.
We were even making plans to meet in person. We talked about the things we would do and looked forward to finally spending time together outside of the game. I thought we had time. I thought that eventually, we would get that chance.
But then she passed away unexpectedly after an accident.
What made it even more difficult was that I didn’t know about the accident at first. I was simply waiting and wondering why I hadn’t heard from her. I had no idea that something terrible had happened. It was only when her sister reached out to me that I found out.
I remember how shocking it was to suddenly learn that someone I had been talking to, loving, and making plans with was fighting for her life.
I kept hoping she would make it. I kept waiting for good news and hoping that somehow, I would get to talk to her again. But eventually, I had to face the reality that she was gone.
It has been almost two months now, and I’m honestly scared because I don’t know if I’m grieving the “right” way anymore. Almost every day, I still feel completely crushed by the loss. I don’t really know what is happening to me or whether what I’m experiencing is normal.
I want to remember her for who she was when she was alive. I want to think about our happy memories, our conversations, the silly things we used to do, and all the moments that made me feel loved and happy. But sometimes, without me wanting to, my mind suddenly brings back the painful parts.
I remember the injuries she suffered. I remember seeing her casket. I remember the urn. Sometimes those images just flash back into my mind, and it feels like I’m experiencing the loss all over again. I wish I could choose which memories stay in my head, because I would much rather remember her smiling, laughing, and being herself than remember the way I lost her.
There are also still moments when I forget that she isn’t here anymore. I catch myself wanting to message her, waiting for a notification, or wanting to tell her something that happened during my day. Sometimes I reread our old conversations because they make me feel close to her again. For a little while, I can feel happy like I used to—but afterward, the reality hits me all over again, and the grief becomes incredibly painful.
I go through denial repeatedly. I know she’s gone, but emotionally, there are still parts of me that don’t seem to understand it. Sometimes I wish I could go back to before I knew about the accident, when I could still message her and believe she would eventually reply.
I’m sharing this because I really need help. I’m having a difficult time navigating this loss, and I don’t know if I’m doing any of this correctly. I don’t know how to carry the love and the memories without constantly being pulled back into the pain of how I lost her.
I would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar—especially those who have lost someone unexpectedly, lost someone they met online, or lost someone they loved when there were still plans and a future they thought they would have together.
How did you cope when painful images of the person’s death or final days kept coming back? How did you learn to let yourself remember the happy parts without feeling guilty for having moments where you felt okay? And how did you eventually learn to live with the fact that you could no longer talk to that person?
I don’t expect anyone to take the pain away. I just don’t want to feel so alone in it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. And thank you to anyone who is willing to share their experience, offer some advice, or simply tell me that what I’m feeling is something they’ve experienced too.
I really need some help right now. 🤍