Megabonk is still saving my life (Kind of)
Before this comment section gets crazy; I am not looking for sympathy. Just a lowly redditor looking to share his story.
TLDR: I (22m) am an alcoholic. I successfully (?) quit alcohol for 2 months and 22 days. using Megabonk as a way to cope with the withdrawals This is the longest I have gone without a drop of alcohol since I turned 19, but I recently relapsed, and I feel awful about it. A lot of people were messaging me asking about how I was doing, so I feel like it's appropriate to share it here.
Everything was going great for 2 months. I never thought I could do it, but I was actually beating my addiction. I couldn't believe it. The first month was rough, but I overcame it. I was having constant withdrawals, and felt like I was going insane, but I did it.
Flash forward a month. Everything has been surprisingly going pretty okay. My parents who had previously cut me out of their life have started talking to me again, my friends were extremely proud of me and very supportive, and life seemed to be pretty alright. I was still having issues (Mostly due to the fact that being drunk became my normal) but overall I was doing pretty fucking decent considering the circumstances.
That's when I fucked up. I went to a party with my old friend group. I hadn't seen them in a couple months, and admittedly, I was missing them. They have always been decent people to me, so in my mind I thought it was okay to hang out with them again now that I've been sober for a couple months and could control my drinking better. How naive of me.
Let me paint the scene. I pull in to the driveway of the function. I am in the car with my good friend who we'll call "Hayden" for the sake of anonymity. Hayden and I are about to walk into the party, and he looks me dead in the eyes and says to me, "You can do this. You are strong."
Hayden has been my rock throughout this sobriety journey, so he knew how big of a deal this was for me.
I told him that everything would be fine, and then he doesn't need to worry about me relapsing. I mean, at this point I was completely done with alcohol. I had seen how it had ruined my life, as well as the people in my family's lives. I. Was. Done.
We walk into the party and I am immediately greeted by friends I haven't spoken to in months. I am being reminded of memories we shared that I looked upon fondly. To be completely honest, I was having a wonderful time. Without alcohol.
"Wow" I thought. This is the first party I've been to since quitting, and I am having a blast.
I kept chatting and giving people updates about my life. My career, my family, and my sobriety journey. I am genuinely having fun.
Eventually, the music started getting chiller, people were heading out for the night, and the party was clearly nearing an end. I thought, "I had an amazing time here tonight. This is proof that I can quit alcohol and still have fun."
This is when things got a little more serious.
A person I wasn't super familiar with came into the living room where the remainder of us were hanging out. We were watching some old concert videos on YouTube, just coming down from the "high" (metaphorically of course) of the night. He mentioned how he didn't want the party to end, and that we should keep it going. I briefly said "Hayden and I are probably gonna head out soon, I have some things I gotta get done in the morning. But it was nice hanging out!"
At this point, I should probably mention that my friend Hayden who has been my rock throughout this journey, is not sober himself. He has a healthier relationship with alcohol than I do, but this had never been an issue thus far.
Hayden then says, "C'mon man! Lets stay for a while the party's just getting started!"
I reluctantly agreed. Who was I to force my friend who's clearly having a great time to head home earlier than he expected? I could be a little tired for work tomorrow, lets live it a little.
The random person who came into the living room, then proceeded to pull out the following:
A handle of titos
Some shrooms
And finally, a bag of coke
I immediately got anxious. I started tapping my foot on the floor, itching my arm, and pretty much every other bodily reaction you can think of. I remained quiet, and watched everyone take their pick of what substances they wanted to do.
Finally, the guy came up to me. He said, "You look like more of a coke guy." I proceeded to tell him that I had never done cocaine, and jokingly said that I was always curious what it was like. He then put a line out on the table for me. I told him, "No, no... I was just kidding. I have no interest man, I'm newly sober." He told me, "Just try it. Its not that big of a deal man. One time isn't gonna hurt you."
Long story short, I snorted a small line of coke. I have no idea why I did what I did. Not the slightest clue. I just fucking did it. It felt like I couldn't control myself after. I felt alive for the first time in months. I immediately started slamming drinks back, just like I used to.
In the moment, I didn't even care.
All of my friends, including Hayden, were egging me on. Telling me they didn't think I'd really do it. Like I said, I truly felt alive for the first time in months.
I woke up the next morning extremely depressed. The come down was insane. I regretted every choice I made that night, including going to that party. One of the few people I trusted sharing my sobriety with, had inevitably encouraged me to break it. I felt isolated, disgusted with myself, and most importantly hungover.
I am no longer trusting myself to be around anyone who drinks. I just can't handle it. I have joined an AA program and I will continue to keep you guys updated. I might be offline for a while, but I want to say thank you for all the kind messages I received on my last post. You guys really helped me out for those two months, and I am going to keep trying to get sober. Megabonk is still a part of my daily routine, but I am going to try and approach it in a more healthy way. Maybe cut down on hours played and hang out with the people I love more.
I've realized sobriety isn't a straight path, sometimes you veer off the road a little bit. The most important thing to me now is making sure I get back on the right path when I fuck up. Thank you all for the support again, especially the mods of this subreddit who are kind enough to let me post about this serious subject. Yall's kindness and support is not unnoticed.