burnt out 1st year, quit, now i regret my decision i think..
title says it all. last year was my first year teaching art. i was in a middle school placement where every student took art as a 10 week elective. some groups were great, others literally gave me nightmares and i felt like i was preparing for battle in the morning before school when i was dealing with that last quarter. by the end of the school year i was almost out on fmla due to feeling extreme stress and burn out because of 1 specific class. i was like physically ill, couldn't stop crying, i was absolutely miserable and isolating from friends, family, and my boyfriend was basically doing all of the house work and feeding me while i laid catatonic on the couch trying to figure what to do with my classes the next day. he begged me to quit and we almost broke up but he stuck with me because he knew it was important to me to finish the contract and not quit mid year, but i didn't feel great throughout the whole thing and was just hanging on for dear life. honestly i think the stress of the job, having some really difficult behaviors, and feeling like i'm starting to do worse than get better (even though the 1st half of the year was great and i was asked back for a 2nd year) all lead up to this. now i feel lost and sad. i miss some of the students i should have been working with this year and wonder if they're expecting to see me as they go back to school in the next week or so. i really thought this would be my career and i had my life figured out. also i'm looking around and seeing that the district i was at was really underpaying compared to other districts, which was part of my decision because i felt like all the stress and work outside of contract hours wasn't worth the low pay. i assumed because i was in a well funded "rich area" district that was just the pay, but i'm seeing that's not the case and other places i wouldn't expect provide 20k more even for a 1st step teacher... i guess i still don't feel 100% to be able to handle the stress of going back to the classroom and leading a class, but now i'm jobless, and sad, feeling left out as i'm seeing the start of the school year stuff happening with my old colleages and other art teachers on social media. idek what to do anymore. i just feel depressed and can't even find my letters of reccomendation on my computer and i feel like i failed those that gave me such stellar reccomendations to get the job in the first place by quitting after my first year. i couldn't even bring myself to ask for a reference letter from any fellow teachers or principal or anyone as i left because i just needed to get out of that building without completely sobbing as the school year was ending and now i feel like i don't want to bother them with the start of the school year. i love teaching art, i love working with small groups or people 1 on 1 to make their vision reality. i just wasn't the best at classroom management and dealing with students who just didn't want to be there. i'm considering putting up ads for art enrichment babysitting in my area and i've been working on a business to do art/wellness workshops for the corporate/workplace setting, and i've been considering getting my yoga teaching cert.. but i do miss the comfort of having a steady job because i feel like i've just been non stop trying so hard getting through college, student teaching, my 1st year of teaching, and now this. my whole family thinks the business ideas are just crazy and i should substitute but i am hesitant. looking at jobs just makes me spiral. looking for advice, kind words, suggestions, anything. i need to stop just going on reddit 247 or talking to ai about it...