Did my Sleep Paralysis expose my Childhood SA?
For Context: 24f, have been SA’d as child & adult but not recently. have had sleep paralysis MANY times, even everyday for a whole month a couple years ago. Its usually of a man I’ve never met (sometimes just his silhouette) brutally murdering me and I realize its a “dream” and cant move or talk trying to wake up. I always had a feeling and some tiny tiny memories of an SA happened when I was younger but I could never figure out from who.
I was at my boyfriends house and we fell asleep with him as the big spoon and me facing the wall.
I “woke up” in a dream and he had his arms around me and started feeling me up. It made me feel weird so I told him to stop and he got mad and started doing it harder and grabbed my chest really hard still while spooning. I yelled at him to get off and all of the sudden I was in a completely different setting. At this point I realized it was just a “dream” but couldnt move. I could not see anything but a room with a couch and it felt like i was laying with someone spooning me the exact way my bf was assaulting me except this time I was a child, about 6. I had no idea who was behind me until all of the sudden I hear myself saying “Nona (my grandma) what are you doing?” and then I officially started bloody murder screaming “NONA WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT NONA NONA STOP IT GET OFF OF ME” I never saw her in it because I was facing away while it was happening. I then woke up again and was able to move.
When I was 6 I used to go to her house where she’d babysit and watch us. I’ve never in my life had this thought about her and she passed 2 years ago. I think about her sometimes but definitely not in the past few weeks. I woke up to see my bf snoring loud asf and fully asleep. not even with his arms around me. Im not sure what to think of this at all. I’ve never had sleep paralysis quite like this. I’ve been SA’d in one before but not often and it was by someone I didnt know. If anyone has any opinion or info on absolutely anything pls lmk because now I just feel sick and guitly? for some reason?