Intro

Thank you all for coming to read this.

Let me start off first by saying I have a lot of distrust and anger towards the Reformed community. So to come here to the belly of the beast, I hope, is something ordained by God to serve some kind of purpose. What that is I have no idea. If I am rude or hateful in my responses to some of you, forgive me. I have had a..difficult time in recent years. And my experience in this sect has yielded some very good times and some very bad ones. For what Im about to say I ask only for patience, understanding, and brotherly love as a fellow believer in our Lord Christ Jesus.

Rebuke and Desperate Reconciliation

But this I have against you. Some of you are so focused on having, as I like to call, "The most correct doctrine," that you've forgotten what it's like to have love in your hearts! You think you've answered the most fundamental questions about the faith and have finally, "arrived." No need for growth. No need to ponder further. Questions or doubt are treated as dissent and like pharisaical white washed tombs you stamp it out. I've seen this in my own church, in other churches, random Reformed people I've met in my travels, on the internet, and in this very sub. Close friends who are Reformed have treated me and others this way. There is a characteristic arrogance amongst you that drives me to ungodly and sinful anger. I've seen it, heard it, and smelled it for 15 years. You are causing people to stumble. Because of you, people blaspheme the name of God. People in dire straits who need your affection and reassurance more so than anyone else are driven away in great sorrow by harsh judgement and stern reproof. Strike me down in anger if you must, but know this: God sees and knows all. Nothing is hidden. Not in your hearts, not in your tongue. Every action and word spoken will be accounted for and this goes for me without exception.

I am working on forgiveness. I am working on repentance. God help me I am trying. But in some things I have no grace within me towards you. Not one iota. I have no grace as I ask for grace, hypocrite that I am. But allow me to mend the wound 1% by saying this. You have a gift. A crown jewel. A precious talent of gold given to you by our Savior. You have a thirst for truth unlike any denomination. A reverence, worship, and respect for God's character, holiness, and Word unseen by any other. Above all else, you bring to the table a unique logical nigh mathematical dissection of theology in that self same pursuit of truth. You have the discernment of the Bereans and the skill/precision of a surgeon.

Forgive me, I've felt duty bound to say all this. Whether that is a cathartic release of anger in relation to previous injury or a godly desire to see you repent of this salvation by the Law, I know not which. Maybe both, perhaps neither. But this I know. The Law was not crucified for our sins nor was correct doctrine. Calvinism was not pierced for our transgressions. It was Christ and Christ alone. In Him we place our faith and hope. Not TULIP, not John Calvin, or the 1689 Baptist Confession but Jesus Christ.

I hope this moves some of you. Truly I do. I've seen the damage this has done for year after year and I can hold my tongue no longer. I pray God moves His hand to unharden hearts today. Because as you will soon find out I'm not some outsider slinging venom from the sidelines. I lived it and breathed it. May God forgive me for my anger. God help me to be gentle and loving. God show me mercy for my failure to obey your commands.

In the Beginning

At last we arrive at the point of all this. My testimony, such as it is.

I was born and raised within the Reformed Baptist Church. I was saved at age 15. I always had a keen awareness and sensitivity to God's divine nature. At age 4, before I could form memories, my mother told me when she was sick I placed hands on her to heal her. I shouldn't have been able to know how to do that.

I grew up deathly afraid of the torment of Hell. I saw God as fire insurance. A get out of jail free card. I didn't know why I needed to follow God, I only knew that He was angry with me and I needed to have Jesus in my heart to escape His judgement.

At age 15 I was saved. There was a, "moment" but no angelic choir or great light shown from the sky. The change was gradual. My catechism was having conversations with my step mother, a lifelong believer, in the car going to and fro. I asked deeply troubling questions and the answers I received were further troubling still. But I knew them to be true. And In my acceptance I found a peace and joy I'd never known. For the first time in my life I was truly happy.

Harsh Realities

But the good times were not to last. And a castle built on sand, while beautiful and mighty, is only as strong as the foundation which must face the inevitable tide. At age, I don't know, 20 or 21, my first great trial of faith came. A classic Christian cliche. I went to college and battled with a secular professor. Intro to Ethics. My apologetics, theology, and metaphysical view of the world were utterly destroyed as my teacher threw proverbial javelins through every shield I put up.

My confidence was replaced by doubt. A constant companion that would soon follow me for years. I began to have serious questions about God's love, justice, and wrath. I even dared to ask the question, quietly, "Is He truly real?" The questions I asked were not welcome either in my family or my church. My grandfather, an elder, told me, "u/TheByzantineEmperor , it matters not whether these questions are troubling. It matters how YOU respond and you will be judged by your Maker accordingly."

I had no support. No outlet. So I suffered in silence. I tried to, "just have faith," but doubt acted as a corrosive acid and slowly ate away at the foundations of my faith. I went through my first great depression, even unto suicide. But nothing changed. Not even when Christ appeared to me in a dream, I think, to reinforce my faith and comfort me. I confided that dream in two places. Here, 7 years ago, and to my mentor and only friendly hand in the fight. He told me, "ByzantineEmperor, people don't have dreams like that. I've never had a dream like that. What you saw was real. God is real."

The Fall

But it wasn't to be. My faith slipped through my fingers like trying to grab ahold of flowing water. The stronger and tighter I gripped the more it escaped me. I prayed on bended knee with eyes full of tears for days, weeks, and months. I searched God's holy Word for answers with no resolution. The only person I knew who could help me was my stepmother. But she didn't know the answers to my questions either. And, "just have faith," was no longer sufficient.

A year of this went by and there I was sitting in my room quietly. In the middle of a weak halfhearted prayer I opened my eyes. I looked at the bed, looked around the room, then towards the Heavens. Opening my mouth slowly I said, "You're not listening are you? Because you're not really there." I cried bitter tears that night. The realization had finally dawned on me. God was dead. Worse yet, he never existed in the first place. The Creator of the Universe, my Father, and my best friend wasn't there any more. I had no one left to turn to. I no longer had my faith. My view of the world, people, and myself was shattered. My community eventually shunned me and my family's disappointment and heartbreak was tangibly and expressly felt.

I had nothing. No where to go. No foundation to start from. Just an endless sea of voices in every direction screaming, "Pick me! Believe in me!" It took a long time, but eventually I settled on a worldview more keenly aligned with myself. I gave myself to the Prince of Reason. Naturalism and his partner nihilistic atheism. His prophet was Fredriech Nietzsche and an unknown demonic entity pulled the strings from afar.

Spiral Into Madness

I will not regale you with tales of my blasphemy and debauchery that took place over the last seven years. It would not be appropriate here and the shame is too great besides. But I will tell you that I made a slow descent into darkness. At the end of it all, I sat on death's door. More than once I tried to take my life and each time my will to resist grew weaker and weaker. Last October, I felt that familiar call to the shadows once more. A secret urging, whispers from the black. "Just put the pistol to your head. It can all be over so quickly. Your rest will be sweet." I had a family and a beautiful daughter but it was not enough to will me to live.

One day, through no inclination of my own, I felt compelled to do something I would never have otherwise done. I got up from where I was sitting, pulled out my footlocker, opened my dusty ESV Bible I hadn't touched in nearly a decade, and read the Gospel of John. I read it in what felt like the blink of an eye, but I wept over every single page. I thought to myself, "How could I have stayed away for so long!" When I was done, I put it back where it went and shoved it into a place forgotten. The pain of having hope again burst through my ribs. It was too much and I couldn't handle it. I pushed it down and moved on. Two weeks later there I was. Sitting in my bathtub, fully clothed fully intoxicated as I could possibly be, I began to see and feel it.

The Miracle

Friends, I know the attitude many people in this community have towards certain spiritual aspects. A spiritual thing occurs and some say, "Ha! Charismatic. Such foolishness." But I want you to please suspend disbelief. Understand that the Spiritual Realm is real. Scripture tells us so. Understand too that God can do all things. Put your trust, not in me, but in that and listen to what I say.

An evil dark presence began to fill the room I was in. That's the only way I can properly describe it to you without actually taking you to that moment. This darkness began to come through the closed door started at the frame then creeping along the walls and ceiling. I was terrified. I had feared demons all my life and now my worst fear was being realized. In that moment of panic I did only what I knew I could do. "In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you!" I screamed. I have no memory of what took place after that.

The next day, I was at a crossroads. At the rock bottom of rock bottom and no rope left to hold onto I was tethered above the Abyss. I could do two things. I could shake my fist at God and say, "To Hell with you. I will never submit. Let me die." But that was not an option I was willing to do. Even in my wretchedness, I wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have my faith back, as I had all along, even though I didn't think it was possible. So I did the other thing. I made a deal with God. A wager, if you will. I prayed, 'God, if you are real, and if you exist, and if you are good, I will worship you. And if you are not, well then, I have lost nothing and am no better or worse off than I began."

Brothers and sisters. Believe me when I say this. There is power in prayer. With faith as small as a mustard seed I prayer that weak little prayer. I cracked open a door that was closed to God more than seven long years. And by doing so God the Father rushed in like the storm of a thousand hurricanes. Every doubt I brought up, every fear, every roadblock, trap, and conundrum he struck down with effortless blows. Not only this, but he replaced my anxiety with peace ve and joy. I went from crying bitter tears to crying joyful tears. I thanked Him over and over again. I told everyone I knew of the great thing He had done. Much rejoicing and crying took place. My brother said to my father, "Slay the fattened calf. The son has returned home."

Once I was lost, now I am found.

Once I was blind, now I see.

Once I hated, now I love.

Once I had sorrow, now I have peace.

Once I sought death, now I live again.

Conclusion and Prayer

But friends, as Is so often the case, the story is not over. Today I struggle with many struggles and I humbly ask you for help. I commit many willing sins. I confess to you that I go out of my way to have sex outside wedlock. I drink to get drunk and would get high if I had the opportunity to. I swear and blaspheme daily. I've stopped pursuing the path of righteousness because the pain of walking it is too much.

Recently, I had a dream again. Christ came to me and said, "Read Galatians. You will find your protector there." I haven't done so. But my best friend did. And he said that what I've been doing is depending on my own strength for salvation, not Christ. I will admit, this has been true for almost my entire walk with Him. Fellow believers, help me please. As the Rich Young Ruler said, what must I do to be saved? I pray not for salvation from death. That victory was won at the Cross. But I plead with you. Have mercy on this poor sinner.

Forgive me Lord for repaying your gifts of grace with such vile filth. Forgive me for spitting in your Son's face and striking Him on the cheek. Have mercy on me O' Lord. Wretch that I am. Unworthy to ask forgiveness. I pray God that you show me the way. Let me walk the path once more. Jesus my lord, help your unfaithful servant. Teach me your ways. Let me walk in your light. Fill me with your love. Show me the Truth again. Do not give me the punishment I deserve. Come to me O' God. Have mercy on me. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit I pray. Amen.

For the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping, the Lord has heard my plea, the Lord accepts my prayer. Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled. They shall turn back and be put to shame in an instant.

From George Washingtons Farewell Address, an excerpt:

"For this you have every inducement of sympathy and interest. Citizens, by birth or choice, of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name of American, which belongs to you in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of patriotism more than any appellation derived from local discriminations. With slight shades of difference, you have the same religion, manners, habits, and political principles. You have in a common cause fought and triumphed together; the independence and liberty you possess are the work of joint counsels, and joint efforts of common dangers, sufferings, and successes.

But these considerations, however powerfully they address themselves to your sensibility, are greatly outweighed by those which apply more immediately to your interest. Here every portion of our country finds the most commanding motives for carefully guarding and preserving the union of the whole.

In contemplating the causes which may disturb our Union, it occurs as matter of serious concern that any ground should have been furnished for characterizing parties by geographical discriminations, Northern and Southern, Atlantic and Western; whence designing men may endeavor to excite a belief that there is a real difference of local interests and views. One of the expedients of party to acquire influence within particular districts is to misrepresent the opinions and aims of other districts. You cannot shield yourselves too much against the jealousies and heartburnings which spring from these misrepresentations; they tend to render alien to each other those who ought to be bound together by fraternal affection."

George Washington, chief among our founding fathers, foresaw the birth of political parties as the birth of factionalism which would inevitably tear us asunder. While I may personally believe parties are useful as a measure to levy common interests in a united front rather than a million voices standing alone, it is nevertheless not without its drawbacks.

The interests of those parties, as is so often the case throughout history, can and will often pursue their own interests at the expense and detriment of both the people and the nation. We are Americans. Citizens of a common union and brotherhood that is held together by the same principles, liberties, and spilled ancestral blood.

We cannot let our political leanings distort our minds and hearts to the point in which we see our brothers, on the opposite end of the aisle, as our natural born enemies. To do so is to invite the terrible wrath of civil war, needless bloodshed, great anxiety and unhappiness. It will be inherited by our children and their children after. We have a responsibility and duty to future generations to safeguard their prosperity. To uphold peace, justice, and freedom for all. It is by these principles that we have held together as a people for almost 300 years. Despite a horrific civil war, despite invasions which threatened our sovereignty, despite foreign wars on strange soil where young men were sent to die. Republicans, Democrats, black man, white man, rich or poor, our differences are not so great as our strengths. Once, the world looked to us. The Arsenal of Democracy, Leader of the Free World, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. Our future was bright. The future seemed limitless. We strayed from the path. Our parents nor ourselves are not without blame. But nor are we without hope of redemption.

May the hand of posterity judge us equal to the task. Let it be said of this generation that we held the keys to national unity. That we placed the interests of all over the interests of a select few. That we held back the storm of war whereby brother killed brother and father was pitted against son. Even when the temptation of surrender and apathy was all too alluring.

I'd like to close with a quote from the Dictator. A film by the acclaimed Charlie Chaplain.

"We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness - not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish."

It is said that empires, like men, grow old.

When they are young they are characterized by vigorous leadership, strong central authority, and a thriving society. However, later on these empires grow complacent. A succession of weak leaders hampers expansion both militarily and economically. Corruption festers and institutions fail. Influential estates, the nobility or its equivalent ruling class, begin to exercise more authority and place greater precedence on their own petty squabbles and interests over the good of the realm.

As a result, the empire declines. Territory is slowly stripped away, civil war after civil war drains manpower. A natural disaster such as famine or plague comes at the worst times. And good leaders with great potential oftentimes have their reign cut short by unfortunate circumstances. Denizens lose faith in the government, the economy, once prosperous, suffers, and society as a whole begins to fracture. In the end, the empire collapses and smaller fiefdoms take up residence in the former empire's territory.We see this in the case of Rome, Byzantium, and Spain.

From what I've studied as a layman, it would appear an empire, or any organization with powerful ambitions for that matter, will in the end always collapse under its own weight. My question is this: is it inevitable for empires to collapse? Obviously there are factors or circumstances that could have gone differently and would have prolonged the empire's lifespan. But on the outset it appears, like human beings, no empire is destined to be immortal.

Am I incorrect in thinking this? Or am I perhaps simply asking the wrong questions?