i want to relapse
i already have relapsed. after an episode that took me out the first 10 days of january, i started smoking again towards the middle/end of march despite previously swearing it off after an episode that nearly cost me everything (my job, my relationship, etc).
i’ve been “moderating” with 2-6 hits of a cart pen every day more often that not. ik that’s not “moderation” by a long shot but i used to smoke ≈ 40 times a day, going through 1.2 carts or so a week or 5 in a month. i’d smoke as soon as i woke up and then every 20-30 minutes after that to maintain my high throughout the day.
now i keep it to the evenings and only a few hits but i know it’s not safe. i know it’s only a matter of time and i’ve been lucky so far but that’s all it is, luck. this sucks so much, i loved having a 0 calorie coping mechanism. but nothing in my life can handle the destabilization of another episode. there’s no warning, there’s no way of knowing which hit will trigger an episode or not. i don’t want to risk it as much as i want to relapse.