Does this opening hook you? — Dark Fantasy / Psychological Horror short story
Hi all! I posted here before, however I found that my screenshots were blurry so here I am trying again lol.
I’m looking for some feedback specifically on the opening paragraphs of a short story I recently finished, Her Friend, Mr. Koi Fish. I’m mainly curious about a few things: Does the opening make you want to continue reading? Is the introduction to Satsuki engaging, or does it feel too exposition-heavy? How does the narrative voice come across? Are there any particular lines or sentences that feel awkward or unnecessary? At what point, if anywhere, did your attention start to drift?
I’m not looking for a full-story critique right now—mostly just a cold-read impression of the first few paragraphs and whether they work as an opening. Feel free to be critical! I’m mainly interested in knowing how these lines come across to someone seeing the story for the first time.
The link to the story is on my personal blog if any of you want to check more out there (https://readsbythomasu.com/?thomasu_story=her-friend-mr-koi-fish), it is a simple wordpress link.
Thank you for your time!