Today is probably the worst day of my life,Please read body
I skipped my breakfast and lunch today and my mom was concerned so she asked me the reason.
I tried to pretend as much as i could but she sawthe tears in my eyes and finally the thing got exploded.
Aftr hiding it for months , today i finally told her about my mental health and that how i have lost interest in life.
I thought she will understand me and give emotional shelter but she started lecturing me that its becuase im too lazy and introvert.
I have always get scolded for not initiating convos with relatives,guests etc.
She told me that she feels ashamed bcz of me as i avoid gatherings and people.
She said she regrets giving birth to me.
And that im just okayish in studies and i dont have any other talent or skills.
She began giving me practical ways and solutions like start exercising, dont use phone much bcz thats the reason i get exhausted according to herbut no phone was just my escape to block negative thoughts and deal with loneliness.
That i cant do anything in my life and end up getting married and do household chores like a typical house wife.
She said its all in my head and that im just doing "drama" and that its all my fault.
She started crying as well and said that at my age she got married and that how irresponsible I'm.
That im a very negative person and there are 1000s of fault in me.
That i like to suffer and no matter what she does I'll become like my paternal family bcz i have blood relation with them.
Later she came to me and apologised too.
Well , i could not say anything else. Tears kept coming up endlessly.
That was not my laziness but my lonelinesss. And i isolate myself bcz i struggle in talking to people and making friends.
I'm a single child and live with my mother. Not in contact with cousins and extended family much.
Naturally i became introvert.
But i feel there is somrthing wrong with me. She is right regarding that. I'm so dumb.
There is nothing good about me maybe I'm just defective.
I just wanna die now , i have no will to live anymore.
I dont know if she was just angry or she really meant those words but her words broke me totally today.
I'm worthless and feeling like shit rn.
I too regret being born to such good parents.
Idk how to express and even write here properly as im unbale to process what i heard today.
I dont blame her. She is right actually.
Its just that im too dumb and stupid.
But im not exaggerating. I hate myself too. I have been too cruel to myself. I cry easily for no reason.
I scored just 65% in my 12th board for the same reason and now my father has lost faith in me too.
He thinks that i cant achieve anything in my life now.
See what i have become now from being a straight A grade student to a failure who is depressed and struggles with everything.
Wish my parents got someone they deserve.
Im so stupid.
I hate the way i look , the way i talk i just hate basically everything about me.
The worst part is that i cant even suicide bcz I'm not courageous enough to end it and ik that my parents cant live without me.
But im no more afraid of death. Contantly think of ending it all ish it was that easy.
I dont wanna live either.
Thats all , i have a lot more to say but I still have tears in eyes and idk how to process this thing.
Tldr - After hiding my struggles for months, I finally opened up to my mother about my declining mental health, loneliness, loss of interest in life, and social anxiety. Instead of understanding me, she called me lazy, negative, talentless, and a disappointment, even saying she regretted giving birth to me. Though she later apologized, her words shattered me completely and deepened my self-hatred, hopelessness, and thoughts about not wanting to live anymore. I feel isolated, emotionally exhausted, and like a failure who has lost both self-worth and faith in the future.