Stuck in a rut. Could use some advice.
I posted this on indianmedschool as well, but it didn't get approved yet due to less karma
Firstly a disclaimer, I'm using a throwaway account so that I don't get doxxed.
Disclaimer: LONG READ AHEAD( PLEASE DONT JUDGE)
Now as the title says, I'm currently in a tight situation. A few months ago based on neet pg 2025 scores, i joined radiology in a north state GMC.(I cannot reveal which state or college due to many reasons) My rank was reasonable enough that i could've taken dermatology or medicine, but I chose radiology for multiple reasons - limited patient interaction, cerebral subject, early settlement with more money, less physically taxing, chances for abroad settlement etc. I did do some research into the residency before joining, and I thought I would be compatible with it. Plus it was in my hometown so I thought it would be reasonable.
Now nearly 5 months into residency, I have been running at my wits end. The biggest mistake was i thought radiology was going to be a cerebral subject. Maybe it is, but the kind of brains required for radiology is way different than what I thought. I realised my thought process matches way more with internal medicine than whatever goes in radiology. The anatomy knowledge required is insane, and I hate anatomy. I liked physiology, and medicine seems derivative, like you can try to reason with systems eg: patient presenting with breathlessness my mind goes okay systems: RS, CVS etc.or suppose a patient with anemia- I immediately go ok it's either decreased production, increased destruction, hemodilution etc etc but not so with radio- you either know what the lesion is or you don't. And especially in Ultrasound you don't have the luxury to Google/GPT it out as well. It's just anatomy knowledge. No concepts yet, and even if they're there, I cannot derive them like I can do for medicine. And the subjectivity in radiology is insane.‘ What even is a diffusely altered echo texture? Where is the granularity you're talking about? ’ that's how dumbfounded i am even right now. They point out bowel and show peristalsis and be like see this is reduced peristalsis, normal, to and fro. I can't even begin to recognise those. I can't even properly recognise a pyelonephritis case, or bladder trauma, twin scans, appendix the list just goes on.
Second, the residency itself is very, I mean insanely hectic. Our hospital is like the biggest one for many villages nearby and the duties get very busy, plus we are already short of residents. You are expected to handle over 50-60 medicine and surgical usg cases in the night by yourself. The hospital has another maternity wing where you're supposed to do anc scans in the night and that's another 50-60 cases. Only one person for each wing. Seniors are there, but they'll be busy doing cross section work and come up only if there are multiple doubt cases. Nights get so hectic you don't end up sleeping a bit, and next day you still have to report to the morning postings. Also supposed to draft CTs which happen during the night shift as well. This is during parent usg postings. Almost 36 hours of duty, and this is almost 8-9 times a month .During parent cross section postings you're expected to stay extremely late at night(12am-1am) and come back very early in the morning(5am-6am)Technically the term used is until all the work is done, but it's so bad that it wasn't even worth staying back in your hometown, you need to get a hostel room to go and come back so early. It gets very, very hectic. And mind you, you can't download the images and take them back to home to read. Because the system doesn't work like that.
And mind you if you do miss a finding, you're banged by seniors, super seniors, other PGs, faculty alike.
What I underestimated was how much radiology dependent surgery, medicine and obg are. It's insane. And the toxicity they face from their seniors, patients washes over us. And then blackmailing and complaining to the seniors/consultants directly and then our seniors calling us to take the case. Or name dropping us as responsible for anything happening to the patient - ki are yeh scanning wale doctor scan nahi kr rhe isiliye aapke patient ko aise hua.
My diagnosis decided what course of treatment the patient took. And every case. This also got me thinking about how legally liable radiology is, for every case they do. They see through so many USG, ct, mri; and anything goes wrong at any time, boom pull out the printed report that's there - yes it's the radiologists fault. You may ask me didn't you know this before joining, i did have an inkling of it but I didn't know it was this bad.
Not just that,I took radiology purely out of the thought that it would be less patient interaction, but no, ultrasound is very patient interaction heavy; patients coming asking for non emergency scans in the middle of the night, asking for reports 1 second after the scans done. It takes the soul out of you.
Third, which I believe is personal problems. I am currently suffering from a chronic illness which is appropriately managed. However it leaves me at a lower energy level than others. I chose radiology for this very specific reason, that it would be less physically taxing. However, the situation in my hospital is so insane, that the sleepless duties and wandering around the hospital doing bedside and ICU scans leave me so exhausted that I almost feel narcoleptic in the mornings post duty. Have had hypnic jerks literally in the afternoon as I was typing reports. Combined with all this, I'm extremely extremely slow. I take over 20-30 minutes for an ultrasound be it A+P/Doppler, which my co-Pgs do it in less than 10. I take over 20-30 minutes to read a plain brain which my co-PGs again do it less than 10.
Not just that, I'm absolutely incompetent at picking up findings in ultrasound. My co-PGs are picking up pancreatitis, pyelonephritis, GB perfs, ectopics, endometrioma, low lying placentas etc while I struggle with focusing the spleen, CBD etc.
My presence is only helping in less duties per week. That's about it. I am extremely slow at everything to the point, my co-PGs, my seniors and super seniors have admonished me for it. But as hard as I try I'm not able to change that speed. Maybe it is my fear of missing a finding, that leading to bad patient outcomes, getting belted by the seniors that I take time, but the place I'm in punishes you for being slow. And I'm not even improving day by day.
So now coming to the dilemma, I have decided to resign from the seat. I have become physically and mentally exhausted, and have had suicidal thoughts multiple times.Because most importantly I do not understand the subject. And I don't think I'm that sort of the person who learns as they do, and especially not with radiology wherein learning means giving wrong reports at the start, and derailing the entire treatment mode. I do not see the concepts in radiology. Moreover I'm slow and incompetent and burdened further by my chronic illness - get exhausted very fast as compared to a normal person. If I continue I will end up causing some or other issue(which I've already caused) and might end up as a fraudulent radiologist. I cannot see myself continue in this residency, and I don't know if I see myself as a radiologist.
Do I quit the seat? If I do quit this seat, should I take up medicine? Medicine is more in line with the way I think, and although medicine maybe hectic, atleast there'll be interns to help, plus i understand the subject a little. It's not like the patient interaction will trouble me, since that's there in radiology as well. Like medicine in private or DNB? Or is it better to take something like dermatology and chill? Yet in dermatology there's no future growth, less income. Or do dermatology, and prepare for the usmle, and do internal medicine there? I know these are all very vague and outlandish ideas, but I would appreciate any input, any input at all.
TLDR:with chronic illness- Joined rads residency thinking less patient interaction , chill duties, conceptual subject; residency turned out to be very intense, too many duties, physically taxing ,subject too dry imo and personal limitations of being slow. Thinking of quitting and switching to internal med or dermat.Any Advice appreciated