I feel like I am not meant for this world
I recently turned 38. I graduated years ago with a first class degree in physics and then a masters degree. They gave me a scholarship for the masters, so I just went along with it. Both times I mostly stayed at home and self-taught everything. I felt pressured to get a degree because I was in my mid 20s and going nowhere. Anyway, after both degrees I couldn't land a graduate job. I didn't apply for anywhere near enough jobs due to anxiety and depression, but I passed pretty much every psychometric and analytical test that was thrown at me. Meanwhile, everyone else graduated and got a job straight away, even the people who were pretty bad, academically speaking. In fact, if I go on LinkedIn I can see that everyone I have ever known has pretty much walked into a job after completing university. Some great jobs, some meh. The bottom line is, everyone else has much more drive and hustle than me (and luck?).
A few years after graduating I pretty much gave up and stopped looking for jobs. However, I applied for medical school repeatedly. I eventually got in. This was my golden opportunity to turn things around, and I fucked it up. I ended up not going because of my mental health issues and because of money. It was in Scotland and the Scottish students got a free ride, whilst everyone else was wealthy (only 5% of medical school students are from a working class background). The postgraduate halls alone were 8 grand a year. Anyway it was all too much, and I have no friends for support and my parents, especially my father, weren't exactly pushing me hard. Eventually I lost my place. I contacted a lawyer to try and get back in and they quoted me thousands in legal fees. I tried free law clinics and they all turned me down. I resat the entry tests and applied for medical schools again, and again. I had a few interviews, including one in the midlands where I drove myself 150 miles there and 150 miles back. I didn't get in. If I had lots of money I could just go to a private university like Buckinghamshire, or go to a university in Europe. But I don't have enough savings to stretch that far.
I'm completely lost now and don't know what to do. A while back I asked my GP to refer me for an autism and an ADHD assessment. I'm also back on an antidepressant. I spend most days in my room. The isolation and the loneliness would drive almost anyone insane, but I am numb to it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think socialising might help, but I am too embarrassed to try in case people find out about my life.
I could have been graduating from medical school this year if everything went perfectly. Instead of being NEET I could have been a resident doctor. I have spent so many years unemployed. To go from that to being a doctor would have meant finally being proud of something. I would no longer cringe when people ask me "what I do for a living". I've mulled over the idea of doing a PGCE because it is a funded course, but I am shy and quiet and I think I would be like a fish out of water. I think I would also get tired of coming home from work and doing lesson planning. It's not something I've dreamt of doing.
My overriding feeling is I don't fit in. Since becoming an adult, everything has been a struggle for me.