99 days no vape, so why do I feel differently than I expected?
Today I am 99 days no vape (juul), after vaping for almost 10 years. I started as a teenager without fully understanding the addictive nature of nicotine, and very quickly adopted it into my daily routines. I think I quit once or twice early on for a few months, but not long enough to stick with it or even remember.
In the later years I always pushed off the idea of quitting, telling myself that I would “eventually” or “one day,”- basically always finding an excuse for not right now. I finally decided to quit back in February after frequent bouts of sore throats and colds, along with occasional periods of chest pain, tightness and shortness of breath. I wondered if stopping would help me get better, (surely it did), and after a few days without it I decided it was now or never, and I haven’t touched it since. I still can’t really believe it.
While all of my friends and loved ones tell me how they’re happy for me and how I should feel proud for being so strong, I’ve found this process to be much more confusing and unexpected than I anticipated. I of course experienced cravings and mood swings in the beginning, even increased anxiety and depression. My appetite returned, I enjoy food more (with an unwanted increase of about 10 lbs), any chest pain or anxiety surrounding the status of my health due to vaping is gone. But 99, almost 100 days in, I’ve found myself missing it more than ever recently- not necessarily in a craving way, but in a sad, nostalgic way. I catch myself trying to rationalize why it would be okay for me to dabble in it again, to use it for only certain occasions like going out. I know that it’s just the addiction, and I know that if I were to start again I would be erasing all of the hard work I put myself through. So why do I not feel good about stopping?! It sounds crazy, but I constantly feel almost annoyed with myself in a sense that I’m not letting myself do something I want to do. I often have the thought “how come all the other 20somethings get to do it? Shouldn’t I be allowed to do it since I’m young and should be enjoying my life?”
I know it’s probably because of how ingrained it was in my daily life, but it still feels like I have to fight with myself every day, convincing myself that I don’t need it to live my life. I don’t want to be addicted, I enjoy the benefits of saving my money and being able to breathe. I acknowledge the fact that I’ve shown myself I can do a very hard thing- so why do I barely care?! Will I always miss it, in a sad, nostalgic way? How long do I have to make it before I truly don’t think about it?