19 - Anticipatory grief is miserable
I love my cat so much we’ve had him since I was 2-3 years old. I don’t even remember the day we got him, I’m not sure if I was even conscious.
Lately he’s been having a lot of congestion and a snoring sound to his breathing, I’ve spent so much time and money at the vet and it seems like things only improve temporarily. I hate that he’s uncomfortable, I’m the only one willing to give him his meds so I just feel like he hates me, it breaks my heart having to restrain him and give him meds I just feel like his little body is so sensitive and it hurts me to do something to him that I know he hates but I know he needs it I just wish I didn’t have to be the one to do it everyday
Maybe it won’t be this month or the next, maybe it will be. Maybe it won’t be this year, maybe it will be. I know it’s just a small matter of time before I end up having to say goodbye and it kills me. I genuinely cannot even picture what the day I say goodbye to him will look like. I feel like I’ll have to drop out of post secondary and I feel like I will lose my job because I will be so depressed. It is already affecting my work because I can’t stop crying over his discomfort.
He still begs for food all the time, but I can tell that he’s not the same and that he’s a little more reserved. It’s probably because he’s scared I’ll give him more meds but I have to. This is the most miserable feeling in the world and I hate seeing him uncomfortable.
I have so much guilt that I should’ve done more when he was younger to avoid this but I was only a child too
The vet said his quality of life is probably 2.5/5. I want to enjoy my last time with him but I just don’t know how to. I find myself thinking about it all day, I don’t like to go enjoy myself because he’s not enjoying himself. I’m scared I’ll miss something or I’m scared he’ll pass when I’m not home. I’m so heartbroken and he’s not even gone yet I can’t imagine how I will be when I lose him. This is already hell for me
Update: saying bye tomorrow, he will be with our entire family and put to rest in the comfort of his home surrounded by everyone who knew him well❤️ I am a wreck but it’s harder to watch him suffer than to part ways