u/Vykrin

Sorry, I feel like I post here every week.
Ive had tinnitus for 10 years, made in worse in only my right ear for about a month. All noise induced from earbuds.

The hardest part is dealing with the idea that I did this to myself, again. I spiral into so many terrible thoughts.
I habituated the first time since it was in both ears. But with only one ear getting worse, it feels impossible.
My old T baseline was reliable, wasn’t really reactive. Easy to mask & forget.
Now my right ear gets worse with sound, and reacts terribly & is somatic with my heads position.

I beat myself up everyday because I should have known better.. I let my guard down, got comfortable & now I have to pay the price.
I break down all the time thinking about how my life was only a month ago.. everyone says to just live life & try not to dwell on it. But I just can’t, it’s always on my mind & the guilt just eats away at me. I feel broken & I have to care for my family, especially for my daughter. But I just don’t feel like i’m here anymore. I feel like a ghost in my own body going through the motions. I lost the feeling of being alive & happy. It’s all made me a husk of the person I was a month ago. I don’t know how to let go and accept life isn’t fair. Maybe one day I will, but I have no idea when that will be…

Ive been battling reactive tinnitus only in my right ear for nearly a month, my biggest triggers are car rides, ac units, white noise, and public places with a lot of people. But it all calms down in silence.

Has anyone recovered to a point where it’s just a tone & were able to mask it again? Or is this just something I have to habituate to?

I feel like I always have to isolate myself & it’s taking over my life…

What’s your story? Ive personally had two, first was bilateral, second was a unilateral exposure. Still recovering from my second. (Can read my other post for details)

Just looking to see how many others out there have had this happen. Success stories or not, throw them down below!

I have tried to make an account 3 times, just to get insight/support for my tinnitus. But every time I get rejected. I messaged the admins through 'Contact Us' & never receive a reply.
Ive never done anything wrong there, haven't used the site in 10 years.
I just don't understand why I can't join.

So I got tinnitus back in 2016 from noise trauma. (Listened to earbuds on my macbook for 2 hours at loud volume)& it took me almost a year to finally accept it. I had bad moments, but for most of the 10 years I learned to habituate to the sounds in my head. I thought when it happened that I would end my life, but I moved away, got a good job, and had a daughter.
Life was amazing & I did so much in that time.

But now, I feel like I’m restarting all over again..
I moved into a new apartment with my family with a window AC unit.
5 days after moving in, my daughter was going to sleep & decided to listen to a YouTube video with one earbud in.
I was trying to hear over the AC unit and turned up the volume not paying attention to it. I maybe spent 15-20 minutes listening. When I took them back out, the ringing in my right ear was crazy loud. I immediately started to panic.

Now it’s been 19 days, and I haven’t felt much of any improvement at all. The hardest part is coping that I did it to myself nearly the same exact way it started 10 years ago.
I’m filled with so much guilt, depression, and self-hatred over this. As well as the fact that this time it was a unilateral exposure w/ dyacusis/reactive tinnitus causing a loud metallic hissing which was never apart of my baseline tinnitus & makes it really hard to use my old coping techniques to not focus on it.
& can’t even mask it now because external sounds make it even louder. Nearly giving me vertigo due to the imbalance in my ear.

I know I have hearing loss from the exposure, just laying on a pillow with my good ear, making out words is harder & sounds are quieter.

I used to smoke MJ heavily and now any time I use it, it makes my right ear feel like it’s full and really makes it hard to relax and not fixate on it. So I stopped.

Dealing with this has really done a number on my mental health, and I’m afraid of missing moments with my daughter while I’m stuck in my head about this. I took three weeks off of work because I was fixating on it so much & going into panic attacks.

Ive been doing therapy, been to my PCP, and scheduled an appointment with an ENT.

I just wanted to stop by to talk to others struggling & who actually understand the pain we all feel from tinnitus.

Any comments are appreciated, thank you for reading this..