How do you find the will to live when you feel so ashamed of yourself you want to die?
This might seem a bit vent-ish, sorry, but I really need someone to tell me what to do.
I’m a coward. Such a terrible terrible coward.
I’m the only one out of all my friends still stuck in the past. They’ve all left me behind. I’m the only one who still feels like a kid wearing adult shoes that don’t fit me. I’m the only one who keeps talking big, but keeps having nothing to back it all up. I’m so ashamed of myself I want to die. If I had myself for a son, I’d be ashamed of him. I’d kick him out of my house. I really mean it.
Because all I’ve ever done is run away from all the hard difficult parts of living. Because I’m too much of a coward, too weak, to face it head on.
This past semester, I’ve been a horrible student. I might as well have lost my scholarship. All the hope and effort and pride that my single father put into me was wasted. And, the worst part is I went and lied. The whole summer I acted as if nothing was wrong even though I knew shit was gonna hit the fan and I didn’t face it until the very end, when I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I waited until goddamn August to even check the website and my email, because I was such a damn coward. Now I’ve troubled my father so much with my own naive selfishness. I keep thinking about all the moments he bragged about me, and talked me up with such pride… just for me to destroy it all like this. God I wish I’d never been born.
I don’t hate myself. But, I feel so much shame, it’s immeasurable. I don’t even have the strength to move forward. And that makes me feel even more ashamed of myself. Why am I so weak? Why am I so lacking in all things? Why am I so miserable?
How do you feel this suffocating shame everyday and keep living, keep standing back up? How do you stand knowing you are the cancer upon your family and keep living? I need to know. I need to know so I can keep living. Because, I know that even if I die today, I’ll only bring my family even more misery because of our circumstances. My father isn’t my biological father, my mother remarried him and then died, so I’ve been his kid. But if I end my own life, my community will think he abused me or something when he’s nothing like that. They’ll think my entire current family mistreated me just because I’m not biologically related to them when they haven’t. They’ll be ostracized and looked down upon in our community. They’ll be seen as villains, when they’ve been nothing but the greatest family I could ever have. I have to keep living.
But
How do I keep living? How do I find it in myself to have the strength to live with my shame? How do I keep living with this weakness? Im so weak and cowardly and I’m so scared that my horrible self will just run away again. What do I do? I wish I could shake myself and force him to just GROW A SPINE.