WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 YEARS.
We’ve been together for almost six years. Yes, that long.
I loved him deeply. Sabi nila, mahirap magmahal ng taong kapos. Pero para sa akin, kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, tatanggapin mo. Iintindihin mo. Kasi baka magbago, baka umasenso. He is trying his best to provide. He’s a calm man. He never shouts. He never cheats. He loves my family. He loves me. And I love him so much that, as much as I can, I will always try to understand him.
Pero kahit gaano mo kamahal ang isang tao, mapapagod ka rin pala talaga, no?
Love will never be enough.
He never posts me on social media unless I ask him to. He never asks me out on dates. He never buys me things unless I ask him to. Alam ko naman kung bakit. Kapos siya. Kaya kong i-date ang sarili ko. Kaya kong bilhin ang mga gusto ko kasi enough ang sahod ko. Pero gusto ko rin namang ma-spoil. Gusto ko rin maramdaman na minsan, ako naman ang iniisip at sinusurprise.
Pero given that, hatid-sundo niya ako. Kapag gusto kong umalis, magda-drive siya at sasama sa akin. Gagastos nga lang ako. Kapag gusto kong pumunta somewhere, ako ang gumagastos. Pero minsan, gusto ko rin siyang mag-initiate.
And speaking of hatid-sundo, he used to be an Angkas rider. So minsan, nag-o-overtime siya. I never do overtime. Lagi akong umuuwi on time, pero hinihintay ko siya ng one hour, two hours, minsan three hours. May time pa nga na hindi naman siya nag-overtime. Nakipag-inuman lang siya at pinaghintay niya ako.
Tinanggap ko.
Walang sorry.
Inintindi ko.
Ang masakit sa kanya, he never seems to realize when he has done something wrong. He never apologizes. And when we’re both not okay, he never bothers to care for me.
Kapag okay kami, siya ang taga-bili ng ulam kasi iyon lang naman ang kaya niya. I pay for the apartment, groceries, and the motorcycle, while he pays for the food.
Pero kapag galit ako, kapag hindi ako okay, hindi rin siya okay. At sa mga panahong iyon, he never bothers to ask me if I’ve eaten. He won’t talk to me. He won’t apologize. He will just leave me there, even when I’m clearly not okay.
Every time.
Pero nakakapagod. Alam kong pagod siya, pero pagod din ako.
Alam kong may mga pagkakataon na masakit ako magsalita. I know I’ve made mistakes too. But I’ve changed. And lagi kong sinasabi sa kanya, “Mag-sorry ka lang, okay na ako.”
Pero hindi.
He doesn’t even acknowledge what he did wrong. And that makes me feel like parang ako pa ang mali for feeling the way I feel. Parang mahal mo lang ako kapag okay tayo. Pero kapag hindi tayo okay, you don’t seem to care about me anymore. Kahit umiyak ako sa harap mo, parang wala kang pakialam.
And maybe that’s why I started doing things differently. Dati, kahit hindi tayo okay, pipilitin kitang kumain. Pipilitin kitang makipag-ayos sa akin. I wanted us to be okay because I couldn’t sleep knowing that we weren’t okay. I always wanted to fix things. I always wanted to make sure we were okay. Pero ngayon, kakain na ako mag-isa. Uuwi na ako mag-isa. Aalis na ako mag-isa. And I realized that I can do it.
Nagawa ko.
Nakaya ko.
Siguro ganon talaga kapag pagod ka na. You stop forcing things. You stop waiting.
You stop trying to fix everything by yourself. Hindi dahil hindi mo na mahal. Kundi dahil napagod ka nang ikaw lang ang laging sumusubok na ayusin.
I’m not posting this because I want people to tell me to leave him immediately. I know relationships are complicated, and I know I’m not perfect either. I still love him. That’s what makes this so hard.
I just want honest advice from people who have been through something similar.
Am I asking for too much? Is this something that can still be worked on, or am I slowly becoming emotionally detached because I’ve been carrying too much for too long?
If you were in my position, what would you do?
And if you’ve been through something similar and came out stronger on the other side, I’d really appreciate hearing your story.
I think I just need some perspective right now.