u/West-Better

Hi all!

So I’m a private swim instructor and have been for many years. In the last 10 years of teaching privately (plus 5 years at a swim school before that), I get a lot of kids who are fearful of the water, going under, back floating, or are just generally nervous being in a lesson without their parents or a group at a young age. It’s usually their first lesson in that kind of setting. Honestly, I think those are pretty normal reactions, and that’s what I tell parents.

I know all the tips and tricks for making class fun, distracting criers, games, songs, not pushing too hard the first few lessons. I want kids to trust me and have fun learning.

Now onto my issue.

Because I teach private lessons, I rarely get kids I can’t get through to. We have plenty of time to go slow, lots of talking, and lots of fun activities where I can usually get a child to try anything at least once. I had one little girl maybe 5 years ago who would kick, bite me, and scream bloody murder if asked to do anything off the steps. We eventually discontinued lessons, although I continued teaching her brother. I was told she behaved that way outside of the pool too, so it was a behavioral issue the family was already working on.

I currently have a 5-year-old who had two decently good lessons with me last week. Even though they have a backyard pool, she was VERY nervous about coming off the steps. I was also told she had tubes in her ears from ages 2–3 and is very touchy about her ears even though she is medically good to go. I’ve worked with plenty of kids who have had tubes, so I assumed it would be similar. I was wrong. 😂

Not only is she a big 5-year-old, but she fiercely refuses to do anything that involves her head getting wet. The first lesson, I didn’t have her do anything involving her face in the water anyway, we learned swim terminology, kicks bubbles, lots of supportive skills. The second lesson we tried a little bit, but she was very nervous. She can blow great bubbles and does all the other skills we work on. She’s perfectly happy for most of the class.

After talking with her dad after lesson two, we agreed to just rip the Band-Aid off and that I’d really try to get her ears in for a back float and do a simple, quick submersion so she could see it’s not scary, she can do it, and her ears will be fine.

Wow…it did not go well.

Right off the bat she told me she did not want to go under or get her ears wet, clearly remembering my conversation with her dad. We started class easy and she was having fun. Then we moved to a supported back float with her head on my shoulder. Needless to say, because of her size I couldn’t even maneuver her enough to get her into position. Her legs were wrapped around me so tight, she was scratching and pulling at my arms and swimsuit, refusing to let go, yelling “NO!!”

This was after I had already shown her and talked with her about her ears not even going under. She was not having it. It’s important to note she goes right back to happy when we moved onto skills she was comfortable with. Night and day, screaming turns into a smile. She wants to be in the water.

I asked her to try and “kiss her ears” to the water, tried it on a wet kickboard, told her to listen to the fishies, explained we’d only be on her back for five seconds and then all done, and reassured her that I wasn’t going to let her go or let her leave class with water in her ears. I just wanted her to try.

It was a vehement “NO” over and over again.

Trying a baby submersion was even worse. I always tell kids exactly what we’re going to do beforehand, but it immediately turned into a tearless tantrum.

It wasn’t just with me, either. After our lesson, her older cousin (probably around 19 or 20) tried to get her to do a back float, and she reacted the exact same way.

She is SO strong. 😂 My back actually hurts today, I think I pulled something from how hard she was fighting those two skills, which we didn’t even end up doing.

This very rarely happens to me. In group lessons, kids often have a little peer pressure that helps them along. In private lessons, I can usually get any child to try anything eventually, and they end up loving lessons.

I’ve thought about breaking back floating and submersions down into even smaller steps so she can feel successful with each one. She’s even against getting her nose in the water.

How would you guys handle a child like this?

Her dad told me I have more patience than he does and to “just dunk her.” Honestly, I have done that with plenty of kids because I have a pretty good gauge on whether it will end up being a positive experience once they try (they blow bubbles, I can tell even if they are screaming, they are listening and will do it and be fine.) With this little girl, though, not only is she so stiff that I don’t think she’d have a good experience, but I’m honestly not sure I could physically make her do it. I genuinely got the impression I might make things worse if I did that and like I said above, 99% of kids I work with I do not think that.

What do y’all think? First question would be what would you do?

My mom is a special education teacher, and she suggested telling the parents that I’ll give her a few more lessons, but if this continues, she just might not be ready for lessons yet. I really hate to do that, though. She clearly has an extreme fear.

How can I explain to the parents that they may be paying me a lot of money for us to spend weeks simply getting her comfortable enough to put her face in the water? I want to set realistic expectations without making it sound like I’m giving up on her, because I’m not.

The very last possibility I considered while working with her and I know this might sound terrible 😂, was asking the parents why she’s so comfortable throwing that level of tantrum at an adult and refusing to even attempt something. Like, does she just get out of anything she doesn’t want to do?

I wanted to dunk her. 😂

But seriously, if you’ve been doing this a long time, part of the job is recognizing different parenting styles and how much they affect lessons. You can usually tell pretty quickly which kids have learned that a firm “no” or a meltdown gets them out of uncomfortable situations and which kids have a healthy fear of their parents and listen and participate even if they don’t like it.

I spend a surprising amount of time coaching parents too. Sometimes I have to tell them, “No, we aren’t getting out of the pool because of a few tears. You’re can step inside, but they’re staying in the lesson and participating, you can come back out when he/she calms down.”

Almost every parent appreciates it because, while it’s hard to watch your child struggle, learning to swim means working through some discomfort. Nine times out of ten, a lesson or two later the fake tears and excuses disappear, the child realizes they’re capable, and lessons become fun and productive.

With this little girl, though, I’m genuinely torn because I do think a lot of this is rooted in real fear. At the same time, I also think her parents need to help reinforce the process outside of lessons. If they’re still being extremely cautious about getting her ears wet during baths or showers(told me baths are an issue), it may be unintentionally reinforcing the idea that water on her ears is something to fear.

I almost want to tell them that on the days I’m not there, they need to work on making water around her face and ears a normal, positive part of life, and they also need to set the expectation that trying is not optional. She doesn’t have to like it, but she does have to try.

I don’t know…I’m really torn on this one.

TL;DR: I have a 5-year-old student with what seems to be an extreme fear of getting her face or ears wet. I can usually work through fear in private lessons, but she refuses to even attempt back floats or submersions and physically fights any effort to even try. I’m trying to figure out if this is something that just needs more time and tiny baby steps, if the parents need to reinforce these skills and expectations outside of lessons, or if she simply isn’t ready for swim lessons yet. Curious how other experienced instructors would handle this situation.

For context, I’ve been teaching swim lessons for about 15 years and have worked with everyone from 6-month-old infants to adults. I’ve also had years where a large portion of my students were neurodivergent, including many autistic children, and I genuinely enjoy being able to provide a service that meets their needs.

I may have found myself in a situation where I’m not sure I’m the best fit.

I teach private lessons, usually at clients’ homes in their own pools, but occasionally at neighborhood pools, it’s always gone well as it’s usually a somewhat quiet pool. A mom reached out because her almost 3-year-old son’s lessons at a swim school weren’t going well. She told me he had a speech delay and felt his previous instructor didn’t know how to work with him. Since I’ve worked with plenty of children with speech delays, I was comfortable taking him on as a student.

When I met him, though, it became clear that his needs extended well beyond a speech delay. He is a very sweet little boy, but he appears to have significant support needs consistent with autism, something that wasn’t mentioned beforehand. That distinction matters because it changes not only how I would structure lessons but also whether the environment itself is appropriate for learning.

The biggest challenge wasn’t necessarily him, it was the setting.

This neighborhood pool is essentially a water park. It has a beach entry, two huge water slides, lifeguards everywhere, and families packed into the pool. It was loud, visually overwhelming, and full of distractions. We almost got hit by a football. In a quiet backyard pool, I can slow everything down, build trust, and use strategies I’ve learned over the years to engage children who need extra time and support. Here, it felt almost impossible.

He had difficulty paying any attention to me or following any instruction because there was simply too much going on around him. We got through the lesson, and he seemed happy the entire time, but outside of practicing monkey walks along the wall, I don’t feel like he understood or benefited from most of what I was trying to teach.

For additional context, I teach traditional swim lessons, not ISR. Most of the autistic children I’ve worked with in the past were a little older, and their parents had already figured out strategies that helped them learn and communicate, which they shared with me.

Now I’m trying to decide what’s in this child’s best interest. Do I continue lessons simply as water exposure and hope he gradually picks up skills? Or do I have an honest conversation with his mom that he may not be developmentally ready for this type of instruction in such a stimulating environment? If water safety is her primary concern, would a quieter private pool or an ISR-style program be more appropriate? I honestly don’t know if ISR would even be a good fit for him either. I could see why she took him out of group lessons because I don’t think he understands any sort of instruction but also loves water so was probably a risk even being on the steps. The kid does need someone 24/7.

I don’t want to come across as saying autistic children can’t learn to swim, they absolutely can, and many do exceptionally well. I just question whether this particular setting and lesson format are setting him up for success. As instructors, we have an obligation to recognize when a child isn’t benefiting from what we’re providing and to guide families toward the approach that will give them the best chance of success.

Not sure how to approach this or what to do or say.