Donald Trump and JD Vance joint funeral held at Keir Starmer's private Italian Villa, says BBC
According to new insight by the BBC, released just mere hours ago (06:12 GMT-4), the joint funeral held for late President and Vice-President of America, Donald J. Trump and James David Vance, who tragically passed away last week from a rabies related incident following an official Whitehouse paintball match, was hosted and attended by UK Prime Minister, Keir Stamen.
Consequent to the official publications by White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt regarding the untimely deaths of close friends, colleagues, and—according to some public speculation—lovers Donald Trump and J.D. Vance, The BBC has received credible information that Keir Starmer, who most notably acted as a pre-marital therapist to the 2 political figureheads, held the closed coffin ceremony in his own 4th home in Sorrento, Italy. The Prime Minister described hearing the unsavoury news as a "punch to the gut" and "truly heartbreaking", elaborating that due to his intimate relationship to the American heads of state, it "felt only right to emcee their funeral".
Starmer, who has come under recent speculation for allegedly approving plans to convert 600 low-income schools into shopping malls open only to socialites, has dug himself into even deeper controversy after credible sources report he supposedly used his political influence to silence Trump's family when they expressed frustration at not hosting the funeral in their home town of Whittier Alaska.
The funeral has been largely criticised by CNN and Fox News as a "spectacle of epic proportion" (NY Times). The rites were done under the guidance of a disgraced Pundit and Greek Buddhist, for Trump and Vance respectively. The procession, which was 45 white SUVs with Kylie Minogue singing unreleased music, has caused huge frustration for local residents of Sorrento for both occurring late at night (11pm to 3am according to eyewitness, Gianna Esproenzo) and leaving behind over 31 Kgs of litter. The funeral, which many argue was treated with more reverence to pop Icon Minogue than the honoured dead, has also been shamed for blasting a remix of Trump's inaugural speech, but not Vance's, stirring rumours of bias.
The ceremony itself was closed coffin due to the horrific nature of a rabies infection. The CDC was reportedly present at the funeral with hazmat suits and large bottles of aerosol sanitiser to prevent the spread of the disease further, however the success of these preliminary measures is still to be confirmed, as many attendees are now complaining of nausea, itching, and hydrophobia - all common symptoms of the deadly virus. Further, in an attempt to honour the late political tycoons, the CDC is attempting to rename the disease from Rabies lyssavirus to Rabies Vancus-Trumpelicitus.
More information about the funeral is presenting itself with each passing minute, to keep up with updates and other world news, tune in to any of the listed credible sources reporting on this incident: CNN, BBC, Fox News, NY Times, Wallstreet Journal, and the Sunday Times.