Living without him
I lost the love of my life April 30 very suddenly. He was going to pick up our toddler from swim lessons and was hit by a drunk driver going 100mph who crossed the center line. I replay arriving at the scene daily in my mind. I have never ever hurt like this. I also carry my son’s pain because he and his daddy were inseparable. This has sent me searching for as much proof of the afterlife as I can possibly get.
For context, our toddler was a surprise later in life- I have 2 now grown children from a previous marriage and we have a 2 year old granddaughter, haha. The decade we had together was the best in my life, and my husband finally got to be a dad, stepdad and papa. He relished his roles. Now I’m 40 years old and all alone and looking at a possibility of another 40 years of life without him.
So my issue is the conflict of ever having another relationship. I want HIM. I hope with everything in me that I get to be with him again someday when I go. I struggle with people’s responses to this dilemma because it feels so cold and distant to me-like how there’s no marriage or jealousy after this. Yes I know jealousy is not a positive aspect in general but it comes across like there’s no intimate one on one love. People say he’s at peace he’s happy but how could he be happy having been torn from his family and young son he adored? I just feel like I’m going to die of loneliness but I also can’t stand the thought of sharing that type of intimacy with anyone else . If I did, would I still get to choose him after this life? Would he even want me then? I just needed to get this off of my chest.