How do I break the cycle?
Getting a job in this world these days is hard enough. But you add being neurodivergent with PTSD and nobody will touch you with a 10 ft pole . Every single time I get hired, I go through the same cycle.
First some background. I was raised by a narcissistic and emotionally abusive parent. My purpose was to always get good grades, never argue, and always have a lid on my emotions so I don't inconvenience anyone. When I first entered the workforce, I was enthusiastic to finally be out of the books and to be actually working with my own hands. So naive. I NEVER thought I would just have an easy life, get everything I wanted, and I was always gonna have a good day. But I woefully under prepared.
Verbal assault, sexual harassment, 2 sweat shop situations, "delayed" paychecks, timed bathroom breaks, and even more emotional abuse. Over time I've become bitter, untrusting and just plain aggressive at work. I know I can't be the only one.
So now, here's the cycle. I put on a mask during the interview process to appear like the perfect candidate. I try not to exaggerate any skills since that usually falls apart within the first few days. They hire me with "enthusiasm". The first week, I maintain the mask and try to do everything perfectly. Then slowly, the mask comes down as I allow myself to be seen. Sometimes coworkers find the real me amusing and we have some laughs. But my bosses are almost always disappointed that the product they paid for isn't meeting their expectations. So then they start piling on extra responsibilities, micromanaging, and even just being verbally nasty. Then I become angry then numb to the point I'm no longer myself.
I've been at my current job for 2 wks and they're already at that point. I'm too slow, my handwriting is terrible, my attitude is terrible (even though I don't speak most of the day) and the second I complete a task and patiently wait for a new one from my trainer, my boss is up my ass asking why I'm not doing anything. I'm still in training for a job that involve a ton of data entry so of course there are tasks I can just do on my own yet. She also doesn't believe people are capable of making filing mistakes. The end of the cycle is approaching but if I don't keep this job, I literally won't be able to feed my family. I'm so angry that it scares me. But idk how to stop this from happening.