u/Zechariah369

I think I could be in a beginning stage of kundalini.

I've seen a side of myself I didn't know I had earlier this year. I spent every day in complete terror that I was dying. It took me nearly 6 months to recover from this and I've still had a few days here and there up until now when I start to question if I'm dying and if I'm going to slip back into that horrible state.

It led to alot of realizations about why I am the way I am. That the way I react to things isn't my fault, the things I participate in daily life that I hate and can't seem to get away from. That my body just found the only way it could to feel like survival was possible. I've slipped in and out of states where it feels like I have control over my life again for the first time ever. My dreams have become more intense and easily remembered upon waking, and notice that they reflect a process my nervous system is undergoing.

I have times where I realize suddenly how strange it is that my body sensations don't seem to be connected with emotions. I mostly only experience the physical side of them. If I'm angry I feel my chest tense up and I hate it, but I'm not sure if there's actually much emotion there that I can feel. When I want to cry which has been happening more often, I don't feel sad, angry etc. My eyes just ache and I know that it means I want to cry. Usually I really have to focus on letting the tears out because I know that it is good, but it doesn't feel natural. A lot of the times I don't even know why I'm crying. Theres no memory attached, and there's no emotion either. My childhood didn't seem that bad, but that's probably another defense mechanism.

I don't know if it's something else. I'm probably just numb, but I always told myself that I'm not. Because the positive emotions I can feel and do often, but the negative ones seem to be completely off limits to me.

The reason I think it's kundalini is because I just intuitively feel that something massive is going on under the surface. I felt it before I even had this health crisis. I knew that my life wouldn't look the same soon, after 12 years of stagnation. I've already been doing spiritual practises for years, and I read that kundalini is heavily tied to the nervous system, which I've been focusing on heavily. It's the centerpoint of all my symptoms. And I've had a ton of energy sensations around my body including the face, scalp, neck and gut which I believe are connected to fascia.

12 years stuck in a chronic survival state and a few days ago my body experienced a cascade effect resulting in multiple areas in my hips lower spine upper back shoulders face skull and jaw releasing within a 4 day period and, I believe finally becoming completely uncaged from my childhood trauma. For this 12 year period my primary symptom was gut issues and crippling social anxiety to the point that 'disappearing' was preferable to social interaction. All these releases just 3 months after recovering from one of the worst health crisises in my life during which my barely existent digestion degenerated into actual bleeding at the toilet.

I'm not like completely free from all the unpleasant sensations in my body but they're significantly less intense, and a big chunk of the things that made life actually intolerable have lifted and I'm not jumping between freeze and fight like whiplash. For the first time since I was a child I am digesting food. It doesn't feel like I'm living in the same reality.

I achieved this through 2 years of TRE in which I spent 98% of that time trying to force movements out of my thighs and up into my spine which I resulted in said health crisis (my own fault, I was completely oblivious to how hard I was pushing myself or that there would even be consequences. The nervous system is POWERFUL).

Some of the immediate benefits are still hard for my mind to wrap around. I'm constantly asking myself if I'm imagining these changes but I know they're real lol. Well just imagine the benefits of increasing the blood flow to ALL areas of the body tenfold. I'm experiencing changes up to my brain down to my nails.

I can't speak for everyone. I'm not even invested in this community. Pretty much the extent of my knowledge on the nervous system is the synthesis of a small pool of self help utube videos, a chance encounter with the practise of TRE on my online feed, and my own intuition. The point being that if you're anything like me you don't need others to tell you what to think or determine how you have to go about healing.

7 months ago, at the start of the year I posted this in the CPTSD subreddit in which I detail my experience with nervous system healing. it has been the most uncomfortable journey in my life. My health felt like it was in shambles since late last year (I've had chronic issues for much longer than this) and I had a persistent sense that a sudden, painful demise was very near. For the past few days in particular I was imagining some terminal health diagnosis. And it was only at 4AM this morning that I finally feel liberated from non stop terror and suffering.

For the first time this year, overnight mind you, I feel better than I've ever been. I had some terrifying release immediately followed by complete shock and ecstasy. I can only describe it as my nervous system becoming coherent with my mind. After hours of gasping for air and rolling around on the floor I took the deepest most wonderful diaphragmatic breath I've ever taken in my life and sat there staring into the darkness in utter disbelief. The contrast was too difficult to even comprehend what just happened. I felt free, open, and healthy. Like I was living in a body I didn't recognize. I couldn't believe that I took a breath that deeply. I took another breath to double check and felt as though I could inhale to my hearts content and it felt AMAZING. My mind was clear for the first time in years.

Some part of me knew all along that I wasn't dying despite the many physical symptoms. I'm still young and the hope that my entire life hasn't been for nothing is the one thing that kept me sane through all of this.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess just to validate myself after months if not years of feeling doomed.