Installing Gentoo literally saved my life, cured my male-pattern baldness, and fixed the global economy
For years, my life was a disaster. I was working a dead-end job, my girlfriend left me for a guy who uses Arch (ugh, bloat), my credit score was a 420, and I couldn't even grow proper facial hair. I was a broken man running Ubuntu but it all changed when I decided to make the switch to Gentoo.
As emerge --sync completed, my receding hairline aggressively reversed. I now have a luscious, flowing mane of hair and a beard that smells faintly of thermal paste and triumph. I took a deep breath and realized my asthma was entirely gone. My lungs are now optimized for maximum throughput.
While compiling sys-devel/gcc, I got a phone call. It was a Wall Street hedge fund. They said they noticed an anomaly in the global data streams—a level of efficiency they had never seen before. They traced it to my IP address. Long story short, I am now the Chief Optimization Officer of a Fortune 500 company. My credit score is now an unprecedented 900.
My ex-girlfriend saw me at a coffee shop yesterday. I didn't even have to say anything. She saw the rolling terminal output of @world compiling on my ThinkPad, wept openly at the sheer beauty of a system free of systemd, and begged for my forgiveness. I told her I don’t have time for relationships right now; I am currently tweaking my USE flags for x11-base/xorg-server.
To anyone out there struggling with depression, anxiety, financial ruin, or just general life dissatisfaction: stop wasting your time with therapy or self-help books. What you need is to install Gentoo.