u/bahiyyah998

On 5/15/26 I delivered my son via C-section due to pre-e and pulmonary edema and it still doesn't seem real. I have 3 other children who were all born full term and perfectly healthy and this all feels so unreal. I was terrified and going back and forth with my doctors all the way up to the operating room, asking them were they positive I had to do this, they assured me this was the best thing to do to protect my life and his. When they pulled him out, he immediately started screaming and that first cry was everything to me, I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time and could finally breath. They laid him on my chest for a minute and I could see him briefly through the little window on the sheet they had up and he looked perfect, he didn't even seem that small to me at first. He was exactly 3lbs, which I was told was pretty big for a 28 weeker so I was relieved. Then they took him away and I was put on a 24hr magnesium IV so I couldn't see him for a whole 24hrs which felt like pure torture.

When they finally let me see him, they wheeled me down to his room in the NICU and I totally lost it. I never seen a baby so tiny in my life, and my heart started to break. I felt so guilty that I let them take him out of me when he wasn't ready, like I should have fought for him more. They told me I could touch him, but I was too scared, he seemed to fragile, like one wrong touch would break him. I turned away from him and asked to go back to my room after only a few minutes.

After about an hour sitting to myself, I started to feel really bad that I left him all alone, that I couldn't be stronger for him. He was used to hearing my voice and never being alone, and I just left him all by himself. So I decided to go back to see him. When I went back, something switched in my heart. I reached in and placed my hand over his tiny hands, and his tiny fingers wrapped around my thumb and he stretched out his tiny legs and I knew he was going to be ok.

I was discharged yesterday afternoon and my husband drove me home to rest a bit, but when I pulled up to my house I immediately burst into tears, realizing for the first time I gave birth to a baby but could not bring him home with me. I asked him to take me back, that I couldn't leave him. I ended up spending the entire night with him, leaving in the morning to attend my daughter's 5th grade graduation. I wanted to go right back, but my husband had to remind me that I had 3 other children that missed me and wanted to spend time with me.

So I'm home now, but I am miserable. I just want to be with my son all the time, like I want to make sure he knows I didn't leave him, scared to think that if I'm not there all the time he won't bond with me. I haven't been able to hold him yet, but I should be able to in another day or so when they take out the IVs from his belly, and I want to be right there when that happens, so he can feel me and I can feel him and he will know I'm his mom and I love him. I'm scared if I'm not there all the time he will bond more with the NICU nurses and doctors, and he'll forget who is mother is.

I know he has a long road ahead of him, how do NICU parents navigate this? How can I be there for him without neglecting my other children? How do I find this balance? This is a scary new world and just looking for some advice from parents who have been here and made it on the other side. I feel extreme post partum depression creeping in, and I desperately want to keep my head above water. I feel helpless 🥹

I needed a place to vent as I can't stop crying. At 26 weeks exactly I started bleeding randomly where it was dripping downy legs and I immediately started freaking out. My husband was finishing up a third shift at work and I couldn't reach him on the phone so I panicked and called 911, and the ambulance rushed me to labor and delivery. My BP was really high (160/90) when I got there, but all the other readings were under 160 but still a bit elevated so it wasn't enough to diagnose me with pre-e yet but they had it down as gestational hypertension with a partial placenta abruption. They monitored me in hospital for 5 days, and then discharged me once BP was stable and had no more bleeding. I was not put on BP meds at that time.

Well exactly at 28 weeks the bleeding started the same way as last time, and this time my husband was able to get me to labor and delivery to get checked. Now my BP was 187/90 and consistently reading extremely high numbers so they put me down as having pre-e with severe features and started me on BP meds. They decided that I will be admitted until they can deliver me hopefully at 34 weeks. But then as they were monitoring overnight my oxygen levels started going down into the low 90s which pushed them to do an X-ray. That's when they discovered the fluid in my lungs, essential diagnosing me with pulmonary edema.

The first doctor that came and spoke with me, around 2am that morning was saying we need to deliver you right away and I started freaking out. My husband had left with our 3 other kids because we thought everything was stable and I was planning to stay in hospital at least 6 weeks. Now he had to rush back and we asked to get a second opinion. Finally a few hours later a second set of doctor's came in and said the pulmonary edema is very mild and if we want we can monitor it to see how I'm doing over time.

Now yesterday, after just 4 days in hospital without any real change to my status, the doctors came back and basically said they still think I should deliver based on the pulmonary edema and they don't know if my condition will worsen, even though everything is stable now.

My husband and I have decided to move forward with an early C-section tomorrow at 28+6 as the doctor's are insisting, and I can't stop crying. I feel so guilty because I feel fine and I feel like my body can hold out a few more weeks, but everyone is telling me that it's not safe. Right now he is doing really well in my belly, his heartbeat is perfect and he loves doing cartwheels and backflips in there and I feel like I'm ripping away his comfort just to replace it with tubes and incubators.

And to top it off, the cardiologist thinks he may have an coarctation of aorta that needs to be repaired, but he is too small to do it now. And I'm just scared. I wish I could wait a little bit longer, give a better chance of survival. All the doctors say his chances are good, but I'm just so green. I have 3 other children that were all full term with no issues and this just all so new and unfamiliar.

Sorry for the long post, but the guilt is eating me up, and I am in this hospital crying and going over every worst possible scenario in my head. Pls someone tell me it's going to be ok 🥹🙏