u/bigeyesASG

Hi
Last weekend i was at a nightclub with my partner and some of their friends.
Everything was great at the beginning, i was having fun with my partner’s friends and it was nice (it was in our way to the nightclub).
But, after some minutes in the nightclub i began to feel really bad and i went outside where i had dissociation (i wanted to go outside alone but my partner knows me too well and went outside with me, thanks to them).
After that i wanted to cry and i was like "i’m sorry, I’m ruining the night!" and they literally said "if you want, we can go home".
And i didn’t want to go home! Because i wanted them to have fun with their friends.
At the end, we went home after like 1 hour in the club because my partner said "health before everything" and i’m so relieved i have a partner like them. Who wants me to be okay before everything. (I don’t know if that make me a bad partner, wanted to be the priority of my partner).

I think i know why i had this issues this night.
I have a lot of anxiety in the moment with big changes (i hate changes) and i had my diagnosis (about FND) recently (and i think it begins to affect my brain knowing it’s not psychological).
But also because of the bright light and the very noisy environment in the club (with so many people, that makes too many informations for me at one time).

But i’m still angry at myself because i was able to go to nightclubs before! And for now i can’t!
I hate having FND, my body (and brain) reminds me time to time i can’t have a normal life and that is so frustrating!

The last Monday I went to a neurologist (as my psychiatrist recommended me). I had the luck to have an appointment less than 2 weeks after taking the appointment.

And for the first time in 6 years and a half, the neurologist said what I live isn’t psychological. I almost cried in her office. I even asked her if it isn’t psychological, and she said "it’s neurological". I didn’t believe it and I needed a little time to process the information. I called my partner for thanking them recording one of my dissociation because it’s this video that made me asked seeing a neurologist.

I don’t know if I really processed this but it’s so much of a relief!
I think it’s still difficult for me to accept that I needed so many years to received this diagnosis. Because I saw some doctors and even neurologists saying that I was faking or it was just in my head or it was psychological. I even had an exam where the neurologist saw some things were not normals but didn’t want to search any further. I think I’m still made at them. But I don’t want to living in the past because I finally know what I live.

I still have a long way to believe I never faked my symptoms (I remember talking to one of my friend the night before my appointment of Monday saying "if she say it’s psychological, I don’t know how I’ll react". I hate the doctors making me feel it was in my head even if I knew it wasn’t!).

Also! This neurologist asked for one of her contact in a hospital where they have a FND specialist, even if it’s just for one appointment, she said it can help me.