21F, isolated in another country, binge eating myself into the ground
Hi guys. I’m wondering what people think about my situation and if anyone has advice, because I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m 21F and I moved to another country for college 2 years ago. Before that, I had never lived away from home. I ended up dropping out very early, and the past year and a half has honestly been hell.
I’ve struggled with mental health basically my whole life. I’ve seen multiple psychiatrists over the years, but I never got one “final” diagnosis. Different doctors have told me depression, bipolar, BPD, and ADHD. I was never formally told this, but I strongly believe I could also be autistic. The last psychiatrist I saw this year (after waiting 6 months for the appointment) listened to me for about 10 minutes before telling me he couldn’t help me because it wasn’t his area of expertise, and then politely escorted me out.
Since I was a teenager, I’ve struggled with binge eating and overeating, but it was never THIS bad. Over the last year and a half, I completely shut down. I have 0 friends, no job, my sleep schedule is destroyed (I sleep during the day and stay awake all night), and I spend around 1500–2500€ a month on food. That is literally the only thing I spend money on.
Part of the reason I don’t have a job and struggle to even look for one is because the one time I did work in the past, my mother shamed me for it and still brings it up to this day. She’s unemployed herself and lives off my father’s money, but constantly insults people who work normal jobs. Her mentality is basically that if you’re not immediately successful, rich, or exceptional from day one, then you’re pathetic.
The other reason is that I genuinely cannot function anymore. If anyone here has severe ADHD or similar issues, maybe you’ll understand. Simple tasks feel impossible. I stopped showering regularly, my apartment is so messy I can barely walk through it, and I feel completely overwhelmed by basic daily life, let alone applying for jobs.
I binge to the point of physical pain. I sometimes throw up, not intentionally, but because of the amount of food I eat. I gained 20kg and now I barely leave the house because I don’t fit into my clothes anymore. At this point, unless I’m thinking about food, I’m thinking about suicide.
My parents know all of this. They have absolutely no boundaries and call me 3–4 times a day. On two separate occasions I tried to cut contact because I genuinely feel like they are enabling me, but they just keep sending me money anyway.
At the same time, I absolutely do not want to move back home. My relationship with my mother is abusive, and going back to my home country feels unbearable to me. There are very few opportunities there, and the thought of having to completely start over there again honestly makes me feel hopeless.
The only thing that has helped me was Mounjaro (GLP medication). I managed to get it 3 separate times over the last year. Every single time, I stopped binge eating, lost weight, started functioning again, and actually felt like myself. Then as soon as I had to stop taking it, everything went back to how it was before.
The problem is my mother. She is narcissistic, abusive, mentally ill herself, and honestly I have nothing positive to say about her. Every time I lose weight, she completely shuts down and starts obsessing over me “having anorexia.” She cries all day, talks about it constantly, and completely refuses to acknowledge the binge eating disorder that is literally ruining my life and making me suicidal.
Because I don’t have a job and my parents financially support me, I can’t consistently afford Mounjaro. And because my mother is convinced I’m anorexic, she refuses to help with it at all.
What makes this worse is that my mother herself is overweight, refuses to exercise, but is OBSESSED with thinness, models, and skinny women. Honestly, part of me feels like she’s jealous whenever I lose weight.
Today on the phone she told me I should “just go for a walk” and I’d feel better. I told her I physically cannot fit into my clothes anymore, and she responded by asking if she should mail me bigger pants.
My father just tells me he loves me, but he doesn’t actually DO anything.
I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I have so much anger toward them, especially my mother, and I can’t tell if it’s justified or if I’m just trying to blame someone else for my problems.
I know I’m an adult and ultimately responsible for myself, but I also feel completely trapped and like I’m slowly killing myself with food.
Any advice is appreciated.