u/blueeyedtongue

Has anyone else felt extraordinarily underutilized at work when you returned from treatment?

Completed treatment for head and neck cancer (SCC HPV +16) on 2/20 and returned to work on 3/26. The first four weeks back I intentionally took it slow as I got back into the groove and caught up on everything I missed. Since then, I have felt fine and capable to work at the level I was when l left.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending on your perspective) any time I have been assigned something in a group project other people step in to basically do my job for me.

Don't get me wrong; I am not complaining about doing 1/4 of my workload and still getting paid. After a few months of this, it feels deflating. Why am I here if have no work to do?

Completed 33/7 on 2/20 of this year for HPV+ (p16) SCC of the left tonsil and lymph node. Went in for my 3 month check in with my radiation oncologist to review the results of my PET scan and blood work.

"No evidence of cancer" on the scan or markers in the blood work.

As a bonus, my recovery has been "really good." Full neck function. Swallow function is good. Eating solid foods and taste has returned. Still not ready to chow down a bowl of chips and salsa but give it time.

The only symptom dragging on is dry mouth and fatigue.

Based on how I look and the test results they are planning on tracking my recovery on a three-year cycle instead of five.

"You should go out celebrate this," she said.

I tried to return her enthusiasm; I just could not.

That is the part that bothers me. I am "cured." Instead of celebrating I feel like crying. Instead of being relieved I feel guilty.

Perhaps I am in shock. I don't know.

I know there are plenty of survivors lurking out there. Is my reaction normal? Has cancer treatment taken away my ability to feel joy with remorse, sadness, or caution?