It’s not goodbye, just a see you later
Heaven gained an angel today - this is Tako, my 20 year old chihuahua terrier who just had her longest episode of ~40 minutes at 4:15am. She was family and has been with us her whole life. We brought her to the ER after we realized it was not subsiding on its own…
Not the first but it became the last… her first two back to back were short lived and brought her to the ER. Neurologist vet said for dogs to have one after another usually and likely to only have few DAYS left. This was one year ago, after we booked an appt for an at home hospice care service when she miraculously started walking, eating, drinking on her own the day of the home call service.
She lived for an extra YEAR after we took her off kepra and other meds - SEIZURE FREE!!
However, today was different and my heart is broken as i had to see her in that state… panting, foaming from the mouth, shaking uncontrollably and we spent 6-7 hours at the ER contemplating next steps…
The vet strongly advised for euthanasia due to her poor neurological state. It was so hard to see my best friend, soul mate, other half knowing it’s her last sleep and i am kicking myself to see if i could’ve done anything else for her recovery. I acknowledge that nobody can stop time or aging but knowing that i was the last trusted face she saw as she left this world tears my soul apart.
We accepted that it was her time. My lovely angel fought so hard and so long as a senior dog. Her walk wasn’t perfect and her diet was declining. She slept a lot but seemed okay despite her health issues. I didn’t feel right calling it and i still feel sick thinking about it like what if she gone home and could recover… i have an incredible guilt and remorse for playing god and like who am i to decide when her time was up… that small glimmer of hope fills me with regret. i keep telling myself that she’s no longer in pain nor suffering (true), i love her so much that this was an act of compassion (true), the last thing i can give her is a graceful exit via gift of death bc life is suffering (also true)… but why do i feel so fucking terrible?!?!!
I never cried intermittent tears so much in a day. I wanted to share my experience to not raise awareness but to simply just grieve. As pet owners, we love our partners unconditionally so this post is a reminder to never take moments for granted bc one day you’re tucking your pet in bed and in the next few hours, your world can fucking change in an instant.
My world is crashing and i don’t know what to do.
I love you so much bb - all dogs goto heaven. We will meet again, i promise. Thanks for reading.